santa won't you bring me the one i really need?

2005-03-28T19:11:00.000+08:00

this address will be abandoned by me for now.
tata.

2005-03-18T11:07:00.000+08:00

It's been 4days since I've lost my voice!
This has to be the longest stint my voice has left me. Ever. Actually I think I may prefer my voice like that. Yes, weird I know! But it's like 2 pitches lower and not so irritating.

It's Friday already and my holidays have just zipped by me. Again.
Here's what I've been doing with my week and you'll see that I haven't done anything productive. AT ALL.

Monday
Went to Tri's place for lunch and tried to do my gp essay. Managed to finish it at 1135pm - half an hour before I missed my Monday dateline. Rushed up my econs tutorial case study questions, all 1 side of it. What a lot of work I've done!

Tuesday
Econs lesson at 230pm. Met Chels and Dree at Somerset before that for BK breakfast then walked around and window-shopped owing to my lack of funds. Saw a veryvery nice bag at Mango. Econs lesson til 330pm then tried to do lit with Dree in the voiddeck after that. Ended up distracting her and Tiff, but thankgoodness I got something out of the whole day - I found some mistakes in my daffodils answers after having a little talk about the whole poem. Penitential service in church at night. Longest penitential ever and I got extremely hot and bothered - so not conducive confession environment. Played ps2.
1st day of voiceless state.

Wednesday
Went to Cheryl's place with the intention of getting my econs e-journal crap thing done. It WASN'T done. Ate a lot of sugar, msg and drank a million cups of water. Read my tourism notes at night before I slept, so at least I got that done for the day. Played ps2.
2nd day of voiceless state.

Thursday
Woke up after 8 for the first time this holiday!! Went to Suntec with Koko Maggie after lunch to try to get my Mango bag. No such luck. Ate Gelare's Butter Pecan icecream with a generous helping of caramel and I'm in love with that now. Tried to get my phone cover repaired at the Nokia care centre. No such luck. Apparently covers aren't covered under warranty. Bought cheese from Carrefour to try! Met Tri after that with the intention of watching Hitch. Walked to Lido to get tickets for the 725pm show. Sold out - no such luck. BAH what a luckless day really. Ended up watching Boogeyman, which I think was a total waste of my 7.50.
It wasn't scary! It wasn't frightening! The storyline was dumb! I don't know what to make of it.
Highlight of the day was that I finally managed to get my Mango bag at the Ngee Ann outlet. :)
Came back home and stood at the front door. I couldn't find my bloody housekey!!! Got an earful from dad. Managed to find the stupid key in Koko Maggie's car. Had to call her at 11pm at night and meet her to search through her car 'cause dad said I'd better go or ELSE. Anyhow I found it. Thankgoodness. Or I think I wouldn't be sitting here typing this now.
Played ps2 until 2am. Didn't wanna sleep but the clock said otherwise.
3rd day of voicelessness.

Friday
Dad's on leave. We're gonna collect my contact lenses from the shop then have lunch and maybe walk around Hougang Mall for abit.
BUT WHAT ABOUT MY HOMEWORK???
..... I don't see any homework being done today.
Corrected my wrong answers to my daffodils questions for lit then tried starting on my human geog tutorial. I do not know how to start. I just read through the poem for the lit essay. I do not know.. anything!!
Why is the Man rowing lustily into the Carvern of the Willow tree in his Boat on the Lake???
Why are all these mundane objects CAPITALIZED???
ARGHARGH.
I don't understand!
Day 4 of my having a froglike voice.

Tomorrow
Sleep in the afternoon. Lenten vigil at night in church from 10pm to 6am on Sunday. Which means I cannot sleep tomorrow night!!! This calls for an afternoon napping session. Undisturbed mind you.

So where's my work gonna slot in???

2005-03-14T19:34:00.000+08:00

I forgot. Sunday the 13th of March was Khin's birthday. So.

HAPPY 19TH BIRTHDAY KHIN!!! :)

I hope you got my present. I hope you like it!
Once again, it's been expressly made for you in the cottage industries of my wonderful home.

2005-03-14T14:50:00.000+08:00

March holidays have begun! :))
Which is just totally wonderful. I mean, school hasn't been too terrible recently and all, buuut.. I think I'll grab the break with both hands very happily thankyouverymuch.
The break comes attached with a million things to do on my to-do list! But I take MUCH satisfaction at wiping away completed items from the list on my whiteboard written in disgusting green. Heh.

Watched Lemony Snickert's A Series of Unfortunate Events on Friday with Tri at Lido. I LOVED THE SHOW! Had a little of the Harry Potter magic in it I felt. Friday was internal Founder's Day celebrations. Friday was also the last day of term1. Friday was one day in which I actually legally skipped school haha. Thanks to a drama blue slip. I never thought drama would be this useful! Spent the time out of school making masks at the RSAF openhouse in Sembawang. I had fun making my mask! So much fun that I even bought the hedious creation my hands churned out for 3dollars. That was pretty stupid of me, considering the fact that I'm running on a budget deficit.
ie. outflow of cash is greater than inflow.

I'm at Tri's place now trying to type out my gp science and tech essay. IT IS NOT EASY. Nonononono. Not easy at all. It's due today via email. Ragh.

Lunch today made me feel abit like a cow. Tri and I made salad with lettuce, ALOT of potatoes, apple, lie and cranberries. Eating the lettuce leaves really made me feel like a cow grazing.
I wanna play Sims on my ps2 now.

2005-03-01T11:42:00.000+08:00

Founder's Day celebration thing at the indoor stadium later. I've been oh-so-free since 1050am. On one hand, I kinda like the feeling of the half-empty class. Everything's so peaceful and it doesn't really feel like a reeal school day. I'm quite proud of dragging myself to school yesterday EVEN THOUGH I was sick! Sneezing non-stop. Endless blowing. My head was hazy. It was a nightmare come to life.

Anyway. I'm dreadfully bored out of my mind. I'm just surfing around now looking for sad song lyrics that I like. I love music.

Hearts are broken, everyday
I brush my teeth and put the cap back on
I know you hate it when I leave the light on
I pick a book up
Turn the sheets down
Take a deep breath and a good look around
Put on my pjs and hop into bed
I'm half alive but I feel mostly dead
I try and tell myself it'll be all right
I just shouldn't think anymore tonight 'cause
Dreams last so long
Even after you're gone
I know you love me
And soon I know you will see
You were meant for me
And I was meant for you
You Were Meant for Me*Jewel

I tried to be unlovable
Why couldn't you do the same?
What's the matter?
Does your love need a home?
All right then, love me
Just leave me alone
Love Me, Just Leave Me Alone*Jewel

If I could only let you know
I'd give up everything I own
For just one more day with you
There's nothing I wouldn't do
I could not let it pass me by
If I make every sacrifice
To bring me back your love
If only we could live twice
Live Twice*Darius

Sometimes I feel so down and out
Like emotion that's been captured in a maze
I had my ups and downs
Trials and tribulations
I overcome it day by day
Feeling good and almost powerful
A new me, that's what i'm looking for
I didn't know what I had to do
I just knew I was alone
People around me
But they didn't care
So I searched into my soul
I'm not the type of girl that will let them see her cry
It's not my style
I get by
See i'm gonna do this for me
Stronger*Sugababes

2005-02-26T20:31:00.000+08:00

Townned with Tri yesterday and had dinner at Cartel. It was supposed to be to celebrate my end-of-terms! :) Townned today too and had lunch at Crystal Jade. I ate so many xiaolongbaos that I think I'm quitee sick of them now. Heh but I probably won't be sick of them by tomorrow morning.

So after all my town experiences this week, I'm feeling veryvery broke.

I was wondering if the ruling that says we can't go back to school on Saturdays (unless external coaches can't make it on other days) means that it's okay for us to go back on Sundays instead? 'Cause if that were so, it'd make for verrrrry warped logic.

2005-02-24T20:46:00.000+08:00

Went out with the pals today! I had every intention of actually BUYING something, but I didn't. :( I can't believe I spent 30 whole dollars on food today! Argh argh what a waste of money. I mean, I'm really not a very food person, so I try to minimise my spending on food. And I ate so much today! 1 Suki Sushi buffet in which I ate 2 handrolls, 1 softshell crab (or maybe half), 1 bowl of crispy salmon skin (hmmm maybe that's half too), 1 bowl of miso soup, 2 crabstick sushis, 1 quarter weird pinkish scallop and Coffee Bean's cheese cake, vanilla latte and half a casear salad. That's a gazillion pounds of kind-of junkfood. Thirty dollars!!
ARGH ARGH. Mildly annoyed.

Everywhere in town had sales going on today. I really wanted to buy something! Sigh. M)phosis had 50% off skirts that actually looked pretty okay. But I got the wrong size to try and the dressing room queue was scarily long so I didn't wanna queue up all over again from the back. So no skirt. Went to Fox at Wisma and wanted to pick up my hot pink camisole but there wasn't my size and the salesgirl was so UGH.

I was looking for my size and she suddenly comes squatting next to me and snatches everything from my hand and growls: "What size you want? I help you take." So I give her a funny look and tell her my size and she looks through the pile. Then: "Sorry no size." I point to another colour and get the same "No size" response. Then I thought she was getting annoyed so I try to help myself so she wouldn't have to trouble herself. And before I know it, she snatches everything from me again and raises her voice: "I said I'LL HELP YOU TAKE. Don't touch." I was like WHAT THE HELL LAH. No way was I gonna buy anything from her. Seriously okay. So when I said "excuseeee ME" gave her a verrrry dirty glare, she hurridly mumbles: "Sorry lah I today very stressed. The customer all anyhow take and put back I VERY STRESSED."

I understand how she might feel stressed but hello, what she did was rather rude.
So I didn't buy my hot pink camisole in the end.
But I did spend 2 bucks on a neoprint with the AApals and we took one with a really particularly spastic act-cute pose. If that picture circulates I think I might just die. Yes but it was quite fun in a retarded kinda way hahah. I walked around a LOT today into manymany shops but I still didn't buy anything. Too bad so saaaad.

Nevermind, I'm saving up for my Zen Micro anywaaay.

2005-02-23T15:48:00.000+08:00

I am dead for geog 'cause I read MINUS 35 degrees as just lousy 35 degrees. The minus sign was minute!
35 degrees and MINUS 35 degrees are poles apart. It's a lot of difference. Seriously!!! I don't know how I read a whole string of isotherms on the map wrongly. Minus 10, minus 20, minus 25, minus 35. ALL WRONG!!
Hello to geog ssp for the rest of my life in acjc. 10 marks gone on the second question isn't exactly a good sign. I think. Argh argh argh. I hate math and math signs.

But any old how.
Terms are overrr!! :))
And I think I need a new layout 'cause Christmas has been over for 2 months already.

2005-02-15T18:35:00.000+08:00

After a long weekend stretching to the Valentine's Day Monday yesterday, I went back to school today. Rather begrudgingly, I might add.

I've decided I don't really like school.

During morning assembly today, I was presented with a post-it from a teacher saying that I'd failed to report for dc last Friday and I'd better go look for her during recess today or she'd smack me with a demerit. What. The. HELL. I wasn't late last Friday. I don't recall being booked last Friday. I was very comfortably early last Friday for the first time in a long time actually, after Ash Wednesday service in the morning. So anyway to cut a long boring story short, I found my form teacher during recess and told her that good grief NO, I wasn't late last Friday wasn't booked last Friday was actually quite early last Friday. Ms Ho said she'd help me check it out and she told me during class time that apparently, some girl who WAS late used my name and class to get herself out of trouble. Leaving me to wonder and think hard about where I was last Friday. Stupidly but luckily for me, she'd cooked up some made up ic number that so wasn't mine. SHEESH MAN. I don't know what to say. Um.. Yes, I still don't know what to say. Whatever okay. I don't even know what to think.

A black chicken ran towards me as I was walking home from the bus stop today. I looked at it in amusement and it stopped on the grass patch next to the pavement and started to wander around looking damn lost. Haha I think the chicken was funny! I was watching some show on Animal Planet about the Chinese zodiac signs and I found out that rabbits are supposed to be gentle, docile, sociable and non-confrontational. All the above describe me pretty well EXCEPT the sociable bit which I find pretty laughable. Sometimes, I feel like the most un-scociable creature on the planet. I think it's 'cause I'm veryvery prone to mood swings and I feel particularly bad if I show my lousy mood so I try to hide it from people but then I feel doubly worse, so my mood swings affect me harder than they really should. I was happy then sad today argh.

Sometimes, people tell me things that remind me that I shouldn't think I'm the most miserable person on earth, though sometimes I honestly feel that way. Like yesterday, I had an sms conversation with my cousin Christian and after that I felt so sad. :( I wish I could make things right for all the people around me whom I love but I CAN'T. And that frustrates me sometimes even though I know that manymany things are beyond my control. Talking to people about their problems takes me out of my own depression and makes me look at things from another perspective, even if this change in perception is only temporary.

Sigh I wonder how God must feel when everyone who does pray for Him to help them sometimes feel that He didn't listen, that their prayers have been unanswered. It must be a tough job trying to make things right for everyone needs help.

2005-02-13T19:51:00.000+08:00

Human geog tutorial due tomorrow. Which I HAVEN'T started on yet due to the unexpected arrival of my sickening cramps today. I'm watching the xiaoyanzi show now 'cause my mother has a sudden penchant for watching them bawl and scream on screen. So 'cause I feel like a sick dog (and I look like one too, according to dad), I can't be bothered to remove myself downstairs to watch something else.

Argh argh what shall I do about my tutorial??? I can't hold a pen properly without my hand trembling.

And Khin! I got your letterrrr! :) I'm gonna reply as soon as I can write again haha. Funny thing is that the envelope came looking totally unsealed. My sister theorized that the US mail carriers must have opened it to check if you were mailing either a) a bomb, or b) anthrax to me.

Oh dear they've tied up Erkang. That means double the tears flowing. And my mom's calling me to go watch 'cause I've been waiting for them to tie him up. She says I'm cruel.

2005-02-12T00:21:00.000+08:00

I think that life is too fleeting for you to brood and mule over the sadder things that have happened. It's easy for me to say it now when all I'm feeling is a discomforting sense of detachment from my emotions and at a time when I've convinced myself that I don't care about you, anything. Weird eh? I'm such a pendulum of emotions that I seriously scare myself all the time.

Had lunch at the cafe with Cheryl, Chels, Xiuf and Noelle before heading down to NUH with everyone minus Noelle to visit Weikong for the first time since his accident. My gosh I couldn't have been more mentally or emotionally prepared I think. I'd always known Weikong as this big strong guy who looked as if he could shove me down with one tiny push. But today. Was so terrible. The sight of him lying in his bed looking so far far unlike his former self almost made me wanna cry. In fact, I could feel myself tearing already. Sigh I can't imagine what it must be like for the people who love him the most. It must be infinitely horrible and just so so sad. But on a happier note, I'm real glad that his mom says he's shown a lot of improvement recently! Please continue to keep Weikong in your prayers everyone.

AC Idol with everyone plus Dree and her og member Hsi Lhiang. Two thumbs up to all the soloists who were absolutely fantabulous! I had a reeeeaal hard time deciding on who I'd vote for. Getting into the hall at 630pm was a total headache okay. We started queuing at 6 plus so we'd get decent seats and guess what - this councillor pops her head out at 630 something and announces that the door we'd queued at wasn't the door they were gonna open to let us in, and that the right door was the one right at the BACK of the queue. What the hell man. I mean seriously, my irritation level was just shooting up. My irridex was at the antagonism level. Haha! Here's application of geog for you!

Now that I pass through each day quite unaffected by what's going on around me, I don't really feel like blogging anymore. There are less emotions attached to the actions, which makes even blogging about my day seem rather redundant. 'Cause really, if I don't talk about my own reactions to something happening and just blog about what I do, period, then it's like keeping some scientific journal that's totally desensitized and offers a detachment from emotions. So I really try not to just talk about what I did today, what I did yesterday and blaaahh. It's really tempting to just blog like that when I DO blog, but what's the POINT really??

And I realise that my name starts to sound really weird when I repeat it many many times to myself and think of my name as made up of all the individual alphabet - k-e-l-l-y. It's like some made up word that doesn't really have a meaning. As does the names "Toa Payoh" and "umbrella". The more I think about the words in alphabetical terms and repeat them to myself over and over again, the more it seems to me that all words don't make sense. Like, what the heck is money actually? It's just some human-coined word that didn't mean anything to anyone before the English language was invented.

2005-02-06T16:55:00.000+08:00

Today began with a seriously shitty lousy bang thanks to me and my stupid mouth. I end up having a spoon hurled at me and the basket is broken and cut up into minute tiny pieces. I want to make everything right again.. but I don't know where to start.

2005-02-01T21:35:00.000+08:00

Okay. I've changed my mind and I think I may just hate you.
I may be a fickle-minded person in many aspects really, but I do think a lot.
Too much, sometimes.

2005-01-31T21:00:00.000+08:00

Swimming pe today was quite a lot of gooood fun! Haha! Played water polo and I actually made myself useful during the game okay. I scored twice thanks to my wonderful pal Dree (I must acknowledge her help or she'll say I'm a fraud). Stayed back to do food run with Dree and I must say I haven't had the chance to reeeaally irritate her like I used to last year 'til today! Hoho!

School today literally passed by in a blur 'cause I didn't wear my contacts. It's funny but I feel kind of different after the weekend. Less heavy-hearted and depressed now.. which is GOOOOD!! They say that happy hormones make you look more attractive, so I SHOULD try to refrain from becoming upset as that'll take my happy hormones away. I finished my e4 essay at 1am last night but I felt pretty accomplished after that! :) The more I looked at the words I'd written, the happier I felt. Don't really know why either. Now the smallest little things that happen make me happy. Must be due to the good mood that I'm in since I've met my deadlines and set some things in my life as straight as they'll ever ever be. Or maybe I could do more, but I'm too tired right now to do any more than I've done.

To adhere to my new resolution to do my work on time so that it won't pile up, I shall try to start on my physical geog tutorial which is due on Thursday. So if I do one tutorial today, and another tomorrow, then I can study for econs on Wednesday. Haha I'm getting organised!

I didn't see you today much and everything's still the same but I want to tell you that I was never angry with you (for long) though I have to admit I was furious the first few days. But after that initial period, the anger had left me and all that filled me was sadness. You're pretty much happy now and I'm glad that you are. And if you ever wanna look me up (I do want you to look me up), you know what to do don't you? If I could, I'd turn back time and go back to before everything started and stop myself from being impulsive. But as it is I cannot and so I'll have to live with the haunting memory of you. Though I wish that I could have done more, still I wanna THANK YOU for letting me try to explain - though I think I didn't explain very well. I'll always miss. you.

2005-01-29T11:56:00.000+08:00

I loveeee you Trina my best girlfriend!! I love my days out with you and the conversations we have and the shopping and eating and even the walking though we all know how I hate to walk. Thankyou thankyou for your wonderful friendship. :))

Met Tri at Orchard after school yesterday and I think yesterday has got to be one of those days that just kinda change your outlook on things. We had a really long extended conversation about manymany things and I felt reeeeeaaaally much better about everything after that. I'd been feeling sad on-and-off for the past few months and I didn't wanna talk about why I didn't feel good. Until yesterday. Had lunch at Cafe Cartel. (I think I'm developing a love affair with the place 'cause honestly, I LOVE THE RIBS THERE) Walked down to Far East to buy socks which were damn cheap btw. I got laughed at at Ice Lemon Tee 'cause I think my Chinese sucked so bad that the salesgirl had to switch to speaking in English to me. Had ice cream at Haagen Daz then went to McCafe at Lido to sit and talk. That's when we had our inspiring conversation!

I like it when it's night. I'm not a morning person and I'm super sleepy in the afternoon and evening but I come to life at night. I get the most work done at night and I feel my eyes are the most open when it's nighttime. I love it when it's nighttime in Orchard too 'cause the streets and shop display windows are all lit up and bright aaaaand it all just feels so right.

Okay so I'm not coherent. But I seriously feel quite at peace with myself now and though life gets on, I'll never forget I think. What is wrong with my blogging today?? Nothing seems to sound quite correct blahhh. I think I just need time to sort out my thoughts and put them in order, then I'll be able to put them down into words that actually make sense 'cause I think nothing in this post makes much sense.

E4 assignment to do today. Yay. I actually like the feeling of listing out all my texts in the beginning of the essay.

*

The scent of Vaseline
In the summertime
The feel of an ice cube
Melting over time
The world seems bigger
Than both of us
Yet it seems so small
When I begin to cry
It's all right, I'm okay
I think God can explain
I believe I'm the same
I get carried away
It's all right, I'm okay
I think God can explain
I'm relieved, I'm relaxed
I'll get over it yet
I Think God Can Explain`Splender

2005-01-25T18:27:00.000+08:00

Please, please forgive me
But I won't be home again
Maybe someday you'll look up
And barely conscious, you'll say to no one:
"Isn't something missing?"
You won't cry for my absence, I know -
You forgot me long ago
Am I that unimportant?
Am I so insignificant?
Isn't something missing?
Isn't someone missing me?
And if I bleed, I'll bleed
Knowing you don't care
And if I sleep just to dream of you
I'll wake without you there
Isn't something missing?
Missing`Evanescence

*

There's a pain that sleeps inside
It sleeps with just one eye
And awakens the moment you leave
Though I try to look away
The pain, it still remains
Only leaving when you're next to me
Do you know that everytime you're near
Everybody else seems so far away
So can you come and make them disappear?
Make them disappear and we can stay
So I stand and look around
Distracted by the sounds
Of everyone and everything I see
And I search through every face
Without a single trace of the person
The person that I need.
Disappear`Hoobastank

*

I'm not a perfect person
There's many things I wish I didn't do
But I continue learning
I never meant to do those things to you
And so I have to say before I go
That I just want you to know
I've found a reason for me
To change who I used to be
A reason to start over new
And the reason is you
I'm sorry that I hurt you
It's something I must live with everyday
And all the pain I put you through
I wish I could take it all away
And be the one who catches all your tears
That's why I need you to hear
The Reason`Hoobastank

*

Hear me
You gotta be out there
You gotta be somewhere
Wherever you are
I'm waiting
'Cause there are these nights when
I sing myself to sleep
And I'm hoping my dreams'll
Bring you close to me
Are you listening?
Hear me
I'm crying out
I'm ready now
Turn my world upside down
Find me
I'm lost inside the crowd
It's getting loud
I need you to see
I'm screaming for you to please
Hear me.
Hear Me`Kelly Clarkson

2005-01-25T18:15:00.000+08:00

Busy busy days at school again. Spent yesterday rushing up my e8 essay and I'm reading my gp package like a mad cow now since I've still got 20 plus more pages to sift through by tonight!!! My mood has still been highly unpredictable lately - rather much like a see-saw except that I never know when my light-hearted mood will take a plunge for the worse. N0thing will ever be the same again.

Met Tri at the Hwa Chong bus-stop after school then got a lift home from her grandpa. Bus 74 broke down today!! It's the first time I've experienced a Bus Breakdown while I'm on the bus actually. I think it broke down outside either MG or Nanyang. But anyway. The driver fixed the problem in a jiffy and my experience was over like that pffft haha. Tri and I ended up calling for pizza and garlic bread on the way home and it has got to be the BEST LUNCH I've had in a long time. :) I do not like school food. Seriously. The only thing I like is the chicken rice and the yong tau foo but that's only two dishes and I can't possibly eat that every single day of my week. My prata experience was quite bad but that could be due to the insane heap of sugar I poured onto my one lonesome prata the last time I ate it.

And I do not like school much either. Short days feel long and long days still feel long.

2005-01-22T13:08:00.000+08:00

I'm about to lose control
I don't know why
Why you need some reason
To feel lost inside
You, you know that I'm alright
You know that I'm just the kind of girl
That feels so hurt and smiles
I don't use excuses
Don't ask why
It's just a breakdown
It happens all the time
So get out of my face
Don't even try
You wanna help me?
Just let me cry
Yeah I loved you all my life
You don't even know a thing I feel inside
Know, by the look in my eye
That I'm just fine
But I might need you to hold me tight
Just Let Me Cry`Ashlee Simpson

***

Fuzzy images flash through her brain
Even as she sleeps late at night
Outside, the sky weeping - rain
Inside, still 'til the morning light

No rest, no reprieve
Haunting her mind relentlessly
And sitting by the window she derives
The dawn-scape staring back mockingly

Gay bluebirds singing their jeers
The lush foilage luxuriantly menacing
Sunshine casting shadows of fears
Balmy breezes bring nothing but freezing

Dew drops bow dandelion heads
A picture of sadness, grieving
Mewing of the calico kitten in its reds
Calling for help, pleading

Sitting by the windowsill she notes
The mockery of the morning cheer
And in her diary she wrote,
You mock me, then drops a tear
2005

2005-01-19T20:15:00.000+08:00

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TRINA!!!!!!!!

You're finally 18 and the first thing you can do is to buy a bottle of champagne LEGALLY and we can pop it happily together! Haha. :)
Met Tri after school today at Novena to spend her birthday with herrr! The company and talk was greeeeaatt as usual! And so was the food haha. We had Jap food and I stuffed myself with gazillion tonnes of wasabi. Oh yay I'm finally a full-fledged wasabi-eater! I used to hatehatehate it 'cause I hated the feeling of it going up the nose but now I can't seem to eat properly without a good dollop of the Good Green Stuff. Went to Novena Church after that and I had a good think-over while praying. Felt very much more at peace when I left though I still don't know what to do. I'm trusting that things will turn out all right in the end. Walked back to Novena Square and shared an iced vanilla latte at Spinelli's. I like the iced latte there!! Tri suggested that I ask for more milk and less coffee which I did, and the guy poured in like 3-quarters of milk. I was real happy 'cause milk just puts me in a good mood for some reason. Sat and talked and looked at her yearbook while we drank our deeeeelicious coffee. We were commenting on the guys in hc and I'm SORRY to say that there are almost NO cute guys in her year. Heh. What an exciting thought. Decided to get up after realising that we were getting nowhere with our search and walked around for a bit. I oohed and aahhed over the chocolates at the Chocz counter!! They're SO PRETTY! I love chocolates. They look damn damn good to eat. Tri's mom picked us up after all that and I got a lift home.

I finished my homework due for tomorrow!! That's rather good 'cause one of my resolutions are to finish my homework on time this year. So I won't feel stressed when homework starts to pile up on me. Although I haven't yet looked at the 2 lit essays due next week and the week after.

I was writing furiously away in my diary before coming online 'cause I had to think about something and reason with myself. Sometimes, I think it's good just to see your thoughts on paper so you can slowly make sense of all the things that flash through your mind before you can grasp hold of any of it. Like how I was reading through my past year's entries and I realised that I may have been very silly all this while etcetc. I'm gonna go back to writing and keeping my thoughts in order. I'm actually really glad I can write 'cause my writing keeps me in check and gives me time to think as I pour out my thoughts and my feelings onto paper.

2005-01-18T17:04:00.000+08:00

I'm in a highly confused state of mind right now.
What do you do when what you've believed in all this while isn't really what you've been believing in? Or worse still, what if you're absolutely right?
What do you do when you don't know what to do?
What happens if you're beginning to lose hope.
You wanna do something, anything to save yourself from drowning, yet you don't dare to.
Is that plain stupid or what?

2005-01-15T23:10:00.000+08:00

I look like an over-cooked lobster now. I'm bright red from the arms down and my eyes are fast disappearing into my brownish face like they always do when I get burnt. I'm one of those RARE people who look icky in a tan. :(

Spent the entire day at Sentosa, though I didn't actually intend to. I intended to stay out at the beach 'til 6pm then come back home for dinner. I intended to STAY OUT of the water 'cause it's not really quite convenient for me to get wet right now. But what I did was to stay out 'til 10pm complete with dinner at Wilfred's place. PLUS. I did get completely and entirely soaked.

I love the sunset on the beach. I spent about an entire 5minutes looking out at the sea and the sun setting and just thinking and thinking and thinking about my million and one things before jumping into the water and swimming to the other side. Looking at the sun setting as water laps up to my toes is practically hypnotic. I have this dreamy far-away look on my face with spaced out eyes as I just soak in the whole beauty of the scene before me. I think I'm a very reflective person. Some people seem to love going out all the time, spending every single waking minute of their lives with their friends. But I can't do that. I need some quiet time to myself every single day to sit/lie down and think back to the day that's just passed. I reflect on those moments which leave me feeling slightly annoyed with myself, make resolutions to make the next day more enjoyable and savour those wonderful, secretive moments that leave me all warm and happy inside, even if no one would ever understand why I'm so appreciative of such things. And on certain days during the holidays, I realise I'd really really much rather just stay home curled up in bed with a book or lie stretched out on the sofa watching tv.

So yeeeess. After all the excitement of today that has left me feeling quite flushed and warm inside due to the fact that I've thoroughly enjoyed my day with Cheryl and Melissa and the rest of the group. I shall go curl up in bed soon and think about the day that's zipped by me like that and be very thankful for everything that's happened today. :)

2005-01-13T20:07:00.000+08:00

Sometimes, I swear I do the dumbest things. Today was pretty much chock-full of oops-I-did-something-stupid-oh-shit moments. I probably have to THINK before I like open my mouth or do anything so I won't end up inadverdently embarrassing myself again. I asked the cashier at Crystal Jade the stupidest question ever.

"Do you mean 10cents as in 10cents or 10cents as in 1 dollar?"

After that came out of my mouth I was like what the hell were you thinking?? The lady burst out laughing and if I could blush, I would have transformed into a beautiful fire-engine red. Seriously okay, that was one embarrassing highlight of my day.

Met Cheryl for dinner just now. Bought the prizes for the zj thing this Saturday before walking down to Scotts to eat. I loveeee xiaolongbao!!! I ate so many of them with vinegar and ginger and I'm addicted I think.

You know, school is starting to get slightly better actually. I don't know why, but maybe it's 'cause I'm not so terrified of mass pe anymore (though why I have that totally warped notion I have NO IDEA), or maybe it's 'cause I've dropped math and can actually sleep in-between periods. Which was what I spent my free period on today. Slept in the voiddeck listening to music.

Cramps yesterday = weight loss = bad.

I've lost a further 2kg due to my total inability to eat/drink/consume ANYTHING yesterday without actually throwing everything up. Which is considerably icky if you think about it. And though I've always wanted to lose more weight, this wasn't exactly how I'd planned to do it. I was thinking more along the lines of conventional means like controlling my diet and exercising actually.

2005-01-06T21:23:00.000+08:00

Her feelings she hides
Her dreams she can't find
She's losing her mind
She's fallen behind
She can't find her place
She's losing her faith
She's fallen from grace
She's all over the place.
--Avril Lavigne

******

I quote from someone's blog:
"Love and hate are same things. The opposite of love is not hate, but indifference. Truly, I think that that might be the worst thing you could ever do to someone you once loved, or worse: to someone who once loved you."

But you know what? It's grammatically wrong. To me.

2005-01-04T16:46:00.000+08:00

Bloody annoying school has started again bleah. Actually it isn't all that bad, or hasn't been too bad so far anyway. 'Cause my timetable's been revamped and I get to go home early on Tuesdays AND Wednesdays AND Fridays and I'm mighty pleased. New form teacher and new classroom. New classroom's severely life-threatening and presents potential embarrassments. The steps are like totally steep and I was thinking that if I do happen to miss a step and roll down, that'd be the end of me.

And mass pe's just totally ridiculous. The track's being repaired or something to that effect hence we can't run on it. Like duh right. SO. The teachers are making us run around the outside compound of the school and do our crunches pushups whatever on the smiley on the freaking hill!!!!!!!! God, I'm like so gonna wilt and die tomorrow.

I'm probably pmsing like crazy now though I was in a perfectly happy mood this afternoon when I left. Saw something on the way home that set me thinking and I'm in this awful gloomy state now which seems to match the grey of the sky which makes it look dangerously close to pouring. I wish I didn't have to go back to school 'cause the happy carefree days of the December holidays have already been almost completely replaced by my agitation at all things pertaining to unpleasant memories that haunt me and float into my mind at the most unexpected times. GRRR.

I wish I could talk to somebody, I mean really really just talk. But when I think about it, I realise that I wouldn't be able to collect all the bits of my thought and talk about it anyway. I wish I could just stop going to school so I won't be so periodically upset anymore. I wish I could just disappear from the face of this earth or more realistically, just disappear to another country for good. And I wish, I just wish for myself to be at peace with myself.

Plus the blister on the heel on my foot's totally killing me. I can so see myself wincing in utmost and extreme pain as I trudge through mass pe. Unless some miracle happens and my blister ceases to exist or becomes totally over-sized and fully horrific enough to excuse me from pe. Medium-sized blisters are the pits I tell you. They do nothing to get you out of pe and only hurt like heck for the longest time ever.

2004-12-31T11:50:00.000+08:00

Tagboard replies
(which are way way waaaaayy overdue sorry)

john: i didn't know arsenal's a bad word actually heh. but now that you mention it, it probably is due to the a-r-s-e embedded. anyway NO, i'm not supporting them. man utd for meeee now!

jo: hieeee jo!! of COURSE i remember you! where're you going next year? anyway, speaking of which, i met the other jo (wong) yesterday at wisma haha.

nartz: since i'm replying late, school's starting in just another 3 days. more reason to moan? heh. see you in a bit.

stella: what do you mean by that?! i have no sickly germs, and I can scratch pretty well! anyway have a happy happy new year too, and i've decided that i'm not gonna run away from mass pe anymore. i'll erm, just accept the fact that there's gonna be one more crappy year of that then i'll be scot-free!

and to khin: i doubt you'll read this on time, but i've sent you a long-overdue letter. i hope you get it! and if you don't, i think i'll need to get your address from you again soon.

2004-12-31T11:28:00.000+08:00

Gosh, I never thought I'd be saying this. Other people maybe, but not ME! But I actually had trouble falling asleep last night. For the first time in don't know how long. Yes, me. Sleep-loving, sleep-craving me. I'll admit I had one cup of coffee in the afternoon but that isn't supposed to keep you up all night!! And maybe I was thinking about a million and one things last night before I slipped into bed. Like how I'm gonna DIE when school starts again. Like how I wanna throw out some of my older stuff in my cupboard 'cause my cupboards are both bursting. Like how I wanna re-arrange the bed in my room to make more space for other things. Like how much I hate mass pe. Like whether Saph's still alive after having to endure two straight days of the rain and the cold. (though she's sheltered, but still - I think I'd die.) All these random things just kept popping into my head just as I was drifting off to sleep.

Woke up at 1030 this morning but I felt pretty rested for some strange reason. Though I was still half-awake half-asleep by 630 this morning when mom and dad got up to go to work.

Spent yesterday walking around Orchard with Trina. As a general rule, I find going out with no money pretty boring. But yesterday was positively non-boring! We tried on dresses from Daniel Yam and Isetan just for the heck of it. We talked a lot about sucky school life in general and also about how being in a relationship of that kind changes some people. A lot of random girly stuff. And not so girly stuff as well. Had lunch at Cartel and dinner at Lido. Quite proud of myself 'cause I didn't spend so much on my meals for once! And Trina got trampled on by another woman who thought she was Miss Pixie Dust or whatever.

I think Ocean's Twelve is a good show, even though mom says it's the stupidest show she's ever watched. Well, but then again, mom thought that The Matrix was stupid too. Anyway. Watched that on Tuesday with the family 'cause mom and dad were both on leave. And I like the Chinese-Taiwanese food at Junction8! Went to a restaurant (I've forgotten the name) for dinner with Carol and Laoshi on Wednesday and the food was surprisingly good, considering the fact that I'm no fan of Chinese food. Managed to buy my Fila bag on the same day too. Yay!

Tri and I wanted to do a lot of things together this holidays. Though we didn't manage to do a lot of things on our list, we're finally fulfilling one of our many wants! I'm gonna sleep over at Tri's place after the Countdown Party at my grandma's place tonight. Ahhh, how exciting! :)

2004-12-27T13:45:00.000+08:00

Christmas is overr. I'm suddenly saddened as I think of that 'cause Christmas is my favourite season of the year. But anyhow, Christmas this year was pretty good. As all Christmases are, in my opinion!

Let's start from Christmas eve. Went for midnight mass with the family plus Christian. Then headed to Clement's place for the party. I can't believe I walked there! I talked alot and ate alot. Oh, and Victor asked me if I'd heard of a Jed Elliot Ong in my school. I was like, I think so, why? Then he told me about some inter-jc pageant thing. Hmmm never knew such a thing existed before! Saw Melissa for the first time in the longest time ever too! :) Wish I had more time to catch up with her but the place was so crowded and noisy that I couldn't talk very much. Anyway. One of my New Year's resolutions will be to keep in touch with people who mean alot to me 'cause I seriously suck at keeping in touch with people. So I'll call more, talk more, and in the case of Khin who's overseas, I'll write more and I'll email more.

Left his house at about 330am then came back home to have a hot steaming cup of milo and ham with dad and Carol. By the time I went to bed, it was probably close to 5am, but I was to excited to fall asleep! Told you I love Christmas haha. Got up at 11am on Christmas Day then went up to my grandma's place for my Christmas lunch! Then went to the room for a nice long nap 'cause we were just waiting for the rest of the extended family to come along so we could all open our presents together. Then headed downstairs for the nice Christmas barbeque and to meet the extended extended family! Meaning my dad's cousins and their kids. Oh and my little cousin Ethan who's Chinese-American Eurasian just came back from America and he was so jet-lagged, the poor kid! He was rather grouchy. And I just found out that he's not even one yet. Gosh, all this while I was thinking he's bigger than that, 'cause he's so mature looking. (Can you even call a baby mature? Hmm.) Left the barbeque early to go to Ee-ee Bridget's place to say hello to my mother's folks and to open presents there too. Oh and Koko Jo's family left on the 26th for Vietnam. That means no more Darren and Tania 'til Chinese New Year. :( On one hand, that means I'm happily free from Barney and Bob the Builder, but on the other hand, I'll really miss them.

And so my Christmas's over. I was happy-sad 'cause I really enjoyed myself.. But I didn't wanna say goodbye to Christmas yet. Ohwell, there's next year's Christmas to look forward to.

Spent Boxing Day clearing up the mess on mom's table. The mess I'd made while making Koko Maggie's present and while writing my Christmas cards. Oh speaking of which, I really HAVE to draw up a list of people I wanna send my cards to next year. It was terrible this year! I missed out so many people. Then I started on one of the gp comprehensions and did a bit of the 1100 words book. Resolved to finish the compre yesterday but Trina called and I ended up talking to her for quuuitee a long time 'cause we hadn't spoken for a bit. Then Cheryl called while I was yakking away to Trina so I had to call Cheryl back again. So there went my resolve. And there went my afternoon nap. Cheryl's probably in Malaysia now.. Have a good trip dear! :) Went for mass at Novena Church then went down to Raffles City. Indulged in a major shopping spree and bought two tops and black skirt from Mango (they were having their end-of-season sale by the way) and a pair of jeans from Giordano. Okay, so that didn't look very major, but I wouldn't spend the amount I spent last night when I go out shopping alone. So it's pretty major to me, in financial terms.

Speaking of Raffles City last night. The most appalling thing happened. This woman crashed headfirst into me as I was walking and she scraped my foot. To my utter amazement, she didn't even look the least bit apologetic for nearly maiming me for life. You know what she did? She immediately turned to clutch tightly at her boyfriend as if I was about to scratch her face. And only when she was in the safety of his scrawny frame did she dare to turn to look at me hostilely. I was like what the HELL. I mean seriously. Two reasons why she clutched at him in vain. Okay, maybe three. Number one, he probably couldn't have protected her anyway if I'd really wanted to scratch her. Number two, it was her fault!! (I think.) Lady, you weren't exactly a fairy that floated with pretty fairy-lightness over my foot. Try an elephant maybe, seeing how badly you scraped my poor tortured appendage with your considerable weight. And number three, she looked utterly completely totally ridiculous. It's a personal conviction of mine that girls should never never clutch on to their boyfriends as if he's the only thing that's stopping her from tipping over. If I ever ever EVER have a boyfriend and I ever forget, I may just kill myself. Stomped into Mango feeling severely severely outraged then retail therapy kicked in and I felt better.

Homework now then gonna go down to town or something with mom before meeting Gillian and Koko Rosa. And I wanna sleep.

2004-12-07T22:53:00.000+08:00

Gotta get up at 515am tomorrow morning so I can leave by 6am. So I guess this is it. Fiveeeee days away from home! 'Til Monday comes round then, farewell! (Unless I can get my hands on a computer somewhere somehow haha.)

I'll miss my bed and my little pillow and my teddy and everyone at home though. I'll even miss Saph my bird, though she's given me nothing but trouble lately. But dad said I could try sneaking into the casino whooo!!

2004-12-07T10:55:00.000+08:00

Daddy did take leave yesterday after all! Went down to Compass Point to pick up my Nokia 7260. It's just grrreeeaat! Except for the smallish memory space. But everything else's just fine. :) No more phone changes for the next 2 years I think.

Cheryl's coming over later to just bum around. We're gonna cook our own lunch! Aaaahh so fun! Hahah. Went to Cold Storage yesterday to buy garlic bread for today.

Finally, I've finally started my packing for tomorrow's trip to Malaysia. Spent the better half of last night throwing out clothes from my cupboard to the bed and folding them up in a bid to fit everything in my luggage. I remembered to dig around for my lip gloss (which has been missing for a week already) and I foouuunndd it!! Yay! It was in my denim tote, for some strange reason. Anyhow. Mom changed money for me yesterday too! Gosh I don't really wanna leave home. But I think I'll enjoy the rest I'll get when we go up to Genting. The adults are all either going to the casino or accompanying the younger kids to the theme park. The kids are all going to the theme park, duh. Which leaves me alone at the Starbucks downstairs to read eat drink daydream whatever alone. I'm underaged for the casino and I don't think I'll enjoy the theme park so... yeah. Tried persuading Koko Maggie to sneak me into the casino but she said she has trouble herself believing that I'm anything past 16.

I have to remember to pack the rest of my stuff tonight.

2004-12-05T22:47:00.000+08:00

Congrats to me - I'm finally learning a little Discipline in my life! Ran my 3 rounds again today and managed to do my 100 crunches, though I suspect I didn't do my crunches properly. I've decided to run my rounds every alternate day and do my crunches every day for the next 4 weeks till school starts again. Hopefullyhopefully I'll not die during sickening mass pe next year then.

The library at the Esplanade is an unfriendly one. Chels and I got kicked off a table 'cause we weren't allowed to do our own stuff at the library during weekends. Sheesh. Maybe that's why I like the school library. Maybe that's why the library at the Esplanade's so empty. Splurged on those kind of too-expensive chocolate today! Chels and I bought one piece each. 2dollars per piece! But it was quite yummy and so so so pretty! Took a photo of it but can't put it up now 'cause the infrared port isn't with me now so can't upload my photos.

Went to Orchard after that. Intended to study a bit before Dree came but we landed up stuck at Forever21 for a preeetty long time. Tried on a few things. I like the dark green off-shoulder top I tried. And the skirt I tried too! Sigh. So many things and so little money. Dree met us there and we stayed around for a bit more. Ooohh they had a pair of pretty starry earrings that I liked! We ended up at the Coffee Club at Kino and sat outside for a while before Dree had to dash off to report for the busking thing. The 3 of us shared an iced latte which must have appeared kind of strange 'cause the waitress was like that's all?? and we were like, yeah. Oh and Chels and I concluded that Coffee Club tries to earn more money by forcing us to order via waiters/waitresses. We walked to the counter to order our latte 'cause we were really getting quite impatient as noone seemed to be coming out to take any orders, and when we placed our order, the girl at the counter said "Sorry, we'll get someone to come over to your table to take your order shortly." I was thinking like hmmmm okay why don't you not bother 'cause we've already come all the way here? Anyway. It's terrible! The iced latte cost 6dollars but we ended up having to pay about 6 ninety something. The ninety something was all the service charge and gst. Tsktsk.

I met Christian at the Taka toy department to drop by to say hello as he was working and to ask about phones. I need a job quite desperately I think. But the holidays are already half gone and I've still got a ton of work to finish. Bad bad bad. Then hopped over to Wheelock 'cause I wanted to spend my 10dollar Borders book voucher today. Intended to pick up Geisha by Liza Dalby but there was only one copy left on the shelf and it was in such deplorable condition. Dog-earred with a badly creased spine and all. Then wanted to get another geisha book and even went to queue up but then I remembered to check the price before paying and I nearly tripped on the carpet. It was 27 something! And I was only prepared to pay 20bucks for my geisha book. So I ducked out of the queue in embarrassment and decided to wait for new stock of the Liza Dalby book to come in.

Oh, and watched Dree perform the shakalaka song outside Paragon with the drama people. That was the main reason why I'd gone out today and I can't believe I almost didn't get to watch it 'cause dad wanted to pick me up early! I'm glad I stayed though 'cause I got to feel a little-felt sense of satisfaction at a certain someone's inability to do anything except scowl at me fiercely in the hope that I'd just vanish in fright or something stupid like that. Heh it's great to be part of the public! And I think Chels's jaw kept aching the whole of today. Hahah.

I'm tired but quuuuitee quite happy today. Dad's gonna take leave tomorrow - maybe, I hope!! - to take me out to look at my phones! And hoooooraaay! The air-con's finally finally switched on. Welcome back air-con.

2004-12-04T23:19:00.000+08:00

I can't believe I paid 20cents to use the lousy dirty toilet at Pasir Ris!! Grr. Such a ripoff maaaann. 20cents!! Five trips to the toilet and I can buy a new pen already. Anyway. It didn't rain today thank goodness. I only got to the park at 6pm and it was such a joke lah, 'cause like Charis told us to get to carpark E and walk to pit F and we landed up walking all the way from carpark A. I remember - we walked through the whole park like a group of crazed tourists, crossed two bridges and I insulted Rayner the entire way there. And we even cabbed to Pasir Ris from the station! Rayner and Cheryl came by to pick me up. Sheesh.

Barbeque wasn't too bad I guess. Didn't get to eat very much. Distinctly remember munching on two sausages and a cob of corn and that's it. I suck at Wacko. Seriously! When someone yells my name, it takes me a million minutes to register that someone's gonna come running towards me to hit me then instead of yelling out a name, I stick out an arm and shout "wait wait!!" Duh I get smacked right. Twice it happened and twice I didn't learn my lesson.

Okay. Esplanade tomorrow to study with Chels before hitting Orchard to meet Dree! Gosh I love Esplanade. And I love my pals too! :)

2004-12-04T15:14:00.000+08:00

Okay so it hasn't rained yet.
So looks like the barbeque will be all right! Hope so hope so.
Now that my blog looks overly decorated in the Christmassy fashion and I'm due to dash at 330pm. I think I'd better go change.

Sigh shit man I really need a digital camera. Gotta add that to my wish list. And the Nokia 7-something-something-0's going at quite a ridiculously low price this weekend. Grr really wanna go look at phones today. Or tomorrow.

And I'm seriously getting fat. I need new shorts 'cause I can't seem to fit into my old ones. Dammit. This is annoying. Exercise more! And my mother won't give me money today 'cause she firmly believes I shouldn't go anywhere tonight. Hmph. How? Cheryl and I were planning to buy the same shirt today to wear to the barbeque tonight and I don't have a single cent. This is pathetic man. Carol still owes me 38dollars but she's at camp. And I'm getting fat. :(

2004-12-04T10:30:00.000+08:00

The computer died this morning. 'Cause like this old tub of a computer makes a hell lot of noise usually. Like some fighter jet whirring away non-stop or something. So this morning. I got to the Windows screen when suddenly the annoying noise just stops. I was like hey this is good! Then GRR this message pops up on screen telling me to reboot the system and the whole system just completely hangs on me. So I thought I could fix this myself, being the know-it-all I make myself out to be. Rebooted the system. Hit the escape button twice 'cause the words on screen told me to. And the stupid thing asks for a stupid boot record. That's when I was like OH SHIT. Dad help, I killed the computer!! Anyway. Dad managed to resuscitate the system in record time and here I am typing away furiously lest the computer commits suicide again.

Past few days have been hectic! Since production ended. Met Dree and Chels my pals for BK breakfast on Wednesday morning at ps. I was late 'cause I had a tummyache. Then came back home to sleep before going for the Singapore Idol show at the indoor stadium later that night. It was so stupid of me, 'cause actually we had one extra ticket and Koko Maggie asked me if I'd wanted to offer it to anyone and I was like no no it's okay noone's really interested in Idol anyway and Tri can't come 'cause she's flying off to Phuket on Thursday morning. She asked me a million times if I was sure and I said YEAH. So I assumed she'd given away the ticket or something. Then I tell my pals excitedly that I'm going for the show that night and Chels said really?? I remember about the extra ticket and I message Koko Maggie to see if it's still free but she took my word seriously and it was gone by the time I got back to her. Sorry Chels! :(

The show that night was great though! I liked it when all the other idols came back to perform. :) I think Christopher lost weight since the last time we spoke to him. I think Jerry still sounds quite... Jerryish. And I think Jessea is a damn good performer! Saw a few people from school there too I think. Geri was there! And hmm some other people, I can't really remember. But the atmosphere was just crazy. Much much better than in the Mediacorp studio. Or maybe it's just ten times louder? Hahah.

Stayed home the whole of Thursday to sleep and sleep and oh, played Sims on Kor's Xbox. Went to return the game at ps on Friday then headed down to Charis's place to surprise her for her birthday! Remembered to bring her present thank goodness. Got to her house at about 530pm 'cause I made several detours along the way. Watched Mean Girls and just stuffed myself with pizza and garlic bread! And I've been converted - I think Lindsay Lohan isn't so bad after all. I used to not be able to stand her but now I think she's a pretty okay actress. Better than Hilary Duff anywaaay. Who can't sing and can only act cute.

Charis and Cheryl persuaded me to go for the barbeque today at Pasir Ris and I came back home to try to persuade mom and dad. They just flipped, why I don't know! I had to convince mom that I was not gonna go skinny dipping in the moonlight in the sea and I'd leave the place by 745pm and she finally relented. Sheesh. I hate it, how parents always say "I don't know, ask your mom/dad, don't ask me." Hello?! Aren't you a parent too. Both mom and dad was doing it the whole damn night and I was getting extremely annoyed. Dad told me to ask mom and mom told me to ask dad, and I was like what the hell?? Someone tell me something or I'll make my own decision and go. So anyway. I had to tell mom about Sunday too and boy was she NOT happy.

I wonder. It looks like it's gonna rain later. How's the barbeque gonna happen? Anyway. Went for a run round the estate yesterday night after coming back. Ran 3rounds! Not bad right? Heh. 'Cause I'm putting on weight again and I'm getting flabby. This is what no mass pe does to you, when you eat and eat without exercising. But ohno, I'm not desperately wanting pe to start again when school starts again.

And. I used to have a fish. His name was Fish-Johnson. Was, 'cause he died. I thought he died in quite a stupid way actually. Carol always reminds me that he committed suicide. He had this bad habit of digging up the gravel in the tank and making huuuugee ugly holes just for the heck of it. Then one day, he uprooted the tube that supplied oxygen to the tank and guess what happened. That's right, there was no more oxygen in the water and Fish-Johnson sadly died overnight. Why am I spouting off my fish story now? Oh because. Charis told me her fish story yesterday too and I remembered about Fish-Johnson. Charis's fish died 'cause her dad thought fishes eat almost anything so he threw in a pufferfish that had died and the fish ate it and died too.

Fishes must lead a damn sad life.

2004-11-30T10:56:00.000+08:00

Wish list:
*~~Nokia 7260~~ OR Nokia 7610
*ffx-2
*my books
*Zara + topshop clothes
*mp3 player
*Olympus digital camera
*more resolve to study
*determination to continue running

The Snow Queen's over! It seems so weird now that there's no more drama to fill up my days. Like there's nothing to do the whole day. Aimlessly living each day. But ohwell, I'll enjoy this lazy lolling around for the next month or so until school starts again!

I need to start wrapping up my books with plastic for next year. I need to continue with my econs homework. I need to start reading my geog notes or I'll never finish them next year. I need to finish burning my cds to bring up to Malaysia with me, since I'm so behind the times and do not own an mp3 player. Okay, so now I've got alot to do.

2004-11-19T09:02:00.000+08:00

Ohgosh, it's been what, 3days? And I'm still running that same lousy fever. What's going on? I can hardly sleep all day 'cause my incessant sneezing makes it impossible for any normal human being to get a decent rest. My temperature's been hovering around the 38 point somethings then drops to normal temperature with me breaking out in cold sweat and all. I am severely annoyed. I look disgusting. I feel disgusting. My head feels like it's completely stuffed with cotton wool. And I haven't been eating anything more substantial other than porridge and cream crackers. What the HELL. All right, so I sound damn whiny etcetc. Excuse me for living. I haven't been to drama for the past 3days and I think they think that I'm skiving off to walk up and down Orchard shopping. I wish man. I hope I hope the fever goes today. Tonight. Soon. I feel like I'm DYING. Help.

2004-11-16T10:20:00.000+08:00

I hatehatehate it when my carefully laid plans are set awry due to someone else's lousy planning. Drama's at 3pm today. And 3pm tomorrow. And 3pm on Thursday and Friday. OHWELL, I'm sorry then but I'm so not gonna cancel my plans just for the new drama timing. Which means I'll be missing on Thursday and Friday. They're gonna throw a fit I think, but I really can't help it. I'm meeting Cheryl on Thursday after lunch and Jas on Friday after lunch too. It was supposed to fit nicely into my schedule with drama in the morning. BUTbut. Apparently it's gonna be at 3pm from now on. Too darn bad.

Woke up exceptionally late this morning. I stared at the ceiling for a while wondering at what I should do when I got up, since I had a million and one things I knew I had to do when I drifted off to sleep last night. Decided to continue with my econs homework then hopped off to cut my loooong nails. Then remembered I had to check my email to confirm with Khin what time she'd call. Oh yes. Still have to take a shower, clean out the bird cage, clean out the watering can. Finish my econs homework. Omg, I've JUST started on my first scrap of homework since the onset of the holidays and I realise that I've almost forgotten how to write. My writing looks damn ugly now.

I'm supposed to meet Trina at j8 after drama today to help her out but it looks like I can't today. Hate it. And I was supposed to go visit my grandmother in the hospital today too, and I STILL will go pay her a visit. Gonna leave drama early so I can meet mom and Carol at Novena so we can all go visit my grandma together. Hope she's discharged soon. It's been 3days since she's been warded for observation and mom says that it doesn't seem like they'll discharge her anytime soon. On a different note. I like the fried dumplings at the Tan Tock Seng food court. AND the hot beancurd with longans too. Gonna try a new dessert tonight I think!

So it's back to cutting my nails on the right hand. It's weird typing with short nails on my left hand and long nails on the right. Maybe that's why no-one's ever tried that, even as some quirky weird strange fashion statement.

2004-11-15T18:38:00.000+08:00

Drama again today. It's a public holiday, for crying out LOUUUD!! But it's actually beginning to settle into a half-nice-half-annoying routine. I get out of bed at 815am. Make a dash for the bathroom. Throw my wallet, umbrella and whatever else I need into my bag. Grab a cookie from the kitchen. And walk out of the front door by 840am. Take a nice slow stroll from home out to the bus-stop. Read on the train. Amble to school from Buona Vista station. Outside the studio by 1015am. I've been doing this for the past week or so. And I actually am starting to enjoy those slow rambly walks to and from the stations. And heck, it's exercise!

Khin called today while I was on the train homeward bound!! Hello woman, yeah you in the US of A!!! :):) I loveeeee you, and I've missed your voice! The train decided to plunge through a tunnel mid-way through my conversation and the line got cut-off. So much for excellent reception. But I've already emailed you already anyhow!!

Took another slow walk down to Dover Market to get wire to make the foilage. As I walked past familiar shops to the smell of prata and food, I momentarily lost myself in memories that seem as fresh as the day as it actually happened. And when I finally recovered myself from my own dream world, I looked at my surroundings and remembered again, this time as myself, in the present. Okay, so I don't make much sense I realise. Anyway. The hardware shops were all closed. Owing to the tiny fact that MAYBE today's a public holiday. And MAYBE they have enough sense to stay home and enjoy the one extra day of rest following the weekend. Sheesh.

Drama again tomorrow at 10. I'm starting to learn how to shut off the irritating voice within me that tell me to stay home and sleep, to ignore my inherent lazy nature and just force my legs to walk themselves out of the front door and towards the bus-stop. Do my work in school, then leave as soon as I can back for the comforts of home or whatever other plans I may have made for the day. I'm supposed to bring a watering can tomorrow. Tell me, will I or will I not look utterly stupid swinging a green watering can with me on the train tomorrow?? Grr. The embarrassments I have to suffer.

Really gotta go out for lunch/dinner with my pals soooon! It's a long overdue outing thanks to drama.

2004-11-12T13:07:00.000+08:00

Rain falling outside my windows again. The sky's a dark grey. It's making me feel gloomy too, though I woke up feeling perfectly cheery. Ohgosh, I realise it's my first time listening to a chinese song. Jay Chou's An Jing. My chinese sucks but I think I understand the lyrics of the song. Translated, the chorus says:

You're already long gone
So I'll have to slowly leave
Why am I always trailing you, even in breaking up?
I'm really unfated
I can't quiten myself that quickly
I'll slowly learn to let go of you
That's 'cause I love you too much.

Heh. Think I can become a translator next time? Not bad eh. Hahah. Okay, so it sounds weird in english. And it's probably kinda off somewhere in the middle 'cause I couldn't be bothered to check the dictionary.

Had cramps on Wednesday. It was crazy. And gross. And horrible. And OHgoodness, damn damn painful. Sigh. Drama tomorrow. Probably gonna paint stuff white again. I'm not looking down at crewing work from the tip of my nose or anything like that, but I feel kinda... exploited. EVERYONE can paint. It's not like I need any special talent to paint a platform completely white or black or purple. I wish I were in a cca that makes me feel that, hey! I'm actually kinda good at something. For once! But ohwell, shan't complain. Should be thankful for so much already.

I'm getting restless. Getting the feeling that I'm wasting my life away slowly bit by bit, wasting the best years of my life being a complete slacker. When I could be doing stuff that'll benefit me in the long run, I'm just investing my time in small mundane things. I don't challenge myself anymore, I find. What to do, what to do??? I need a meaningful challenging task besides studying to pit my brains against soon or I might just implode with pent-up frustration. I need.. I need something to DO. I thought I'd be happy just fading into the background for the next 2 years and being just part of the crowd. HA. I thought wrong. That thought just doesn't sit well with me. And since I left ij, I've been feeling.. Useless in a way. 'Cause like when I was doing council stuff, I always felt like I was needed. My committee was supposed to be putting in the discipline records in the thick red files I used to keep and every now and then, I'd collect booking slips from the drawer in the prefects' room to collate people's offences. I used to grumble a lot while I was doing it. But at least I was contributing in some way. Now, I just feel like I'm doing nothing but soaking up sunshine and taking in oxygen. I feel un-needed, and... it's childish, I know, but I hate that feeling. Grrrr.

Mom just called to remind me to clear up my mess in the house. Maybe I'll go do that now, 'cause I'm reallyreally damn restless. I wish I were a little busier, so I won't have so much time to think and let my mind wander. Oh sigh, but I know myself, when I get too busy, I'll start wishing that I weren't so busy so I'd have more time for myself to sleep and think... And then I start thinking too much again and get all miserable and ohboy, I'll never be happy I think.

2004-11-06T23:11:00.000+08:00

I'm tired but oh-so-happy! Spent the day with my family. The first time in a long time. Makes me feel kinda warm and fuzzy. Ohgosh, this sounds damn cheesy. Heh. Oh and Khin, I got your package!! JUST! Hahah. Decided to blog the moment I got your package, after starting on your hideously pink-and-purple splattered letter. Thanks thanks thanks for your package!! It made my day. :)

But anyway. Took a train down to Tampines with mom and Carol to meet my long-lost estranged uncle. I've never never seen him in my entire life, since mom said he'd walked out of her family when she was about my age after having had a major fight with my grandpa. Mom and her brother recently made contact somehow, and today is the result of many emails and phone calls and cautious planning. My uncle and my grandparents haven't seen each other in more than 20 years but he still doesn't want to see them 'cause he's still angry. Met his family. My two cousins who're primary 3 and 4 and veryvery adorable. Meeting them made me sad that I didn't get to know them earlier. 'Cause when I saw how excited they both were to meet mom and my aunt and Carol and I, my heart just literally melted. The little boy skipped around non-stop and the girl sat down and asked me a million and one questions ranging from whether I was big enough to go to KL by myself 'cause she'd thought I was already a very big girl, to why we couldn't stay for dinner and had to leave by 6. I wish I'd known them earlier. It's strange to think that you and your cousin are complete strangers.

Met dad at Ngee Ann after we left Tampines. Had Swenson's for dinner complete with a double scoop of ice-cream topped with butterscotch and hot chocolate fudge. It's the first time in a longlong time since my family's had dinner out together 'cause everyone's so busy these days. Dropped by Giordano after dinner and tried on some stuff. I conclude that I don't look good in a LOT of clothes. Sigh. Kino after shopping. Made a mental wish-list so that I can start saving for books. I've made a resolution to read a lot more or I will just degenerate into some tv-playstation-xbox addicted person with a vocabulary level of minus 10. Speaking of xbox. I've been playing games on Kor's xbox these past few days. I go crazy when I play Tony Hawk. I just rack up insane combos that can rocket up to 40000++ with a single trick owing to the equally insane stats my character has built-up. Thanks to countless spine transfers, grab and flip tricks and endless grinds.

Watched Princess Diaries 2 with Tri yesterday and the prince was gorgeous hot beautiful dreamy whatever. Ohmygod. 'Tis isn't fair! Where's MY prince?? Hmmm. It's 1130pm now. Just half and hour before I turn 17. 17 in books and on tv always seemed like such a grown-up age to be. Like in those books where the 17-year-old girl complete with gorgeous boyfriend and that ooomph-y attitude finds her fairy-tale like story. Hmph I don't feel anything like that. Where's MY fairy-tale?? I can't help but feel that unlike in those books, my fairy-tale isn't ever gonna happen. :( So much for my happy ending.

Lunch with Krystle, Charis and Cheryl then dinner with Tri tomorrow. Oh dear, I need money to fall from the sky soon. It isn't nice to be feeling majorly severely BROKE on your birthday. Grrr. Okay okay, I really shouldn't be complaining though. Today was a happy+sad day, and I'm thankful that there was some happy in my day already. :)

2004-11-02T09:37:00.000+08:00

Pw's OVER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Goodbye to highly HIGHLY annoying pw.
Goodbye to feeling irritated on school Mondays 'cause of pw periods.
Goodbye to ponning Mondays just to avoid pw. (So now I'll only have Thurdays and Fridays to pon 'cause of pe. Still waiting for the happy day when I won't have to look forward to ponning any school day anymore ie. when I pass my final pft next year.)
Goodbye to the ugly blue file that wasn't even half full anyway.
Goodbye to the thousand and one pw files in my computer drive 'cause I'm gonna delete them NOW.
Goodbye to 3am nights spent in front of the computer staring at Word racking my brains to think up something intelligible to put in the wr.
Goodbye to messaging "Hey, you know for pw right..."
Goodbye to the torture my poor tortured mind has endured ever since pw started.
Goodbye to feeling annoyed at someone 'cause he/she didn't do their bit.
Goodbye to non-stop frantic rehearsals in front of my mirror with speeches starting with "And so now, I will be presenting the real world research etc etc etc.."
Goodbye to compulsive lying - something I've been doing throughout a large part of the project in the form of making up things and processes.
Goodbye to drifting off to sleep at night wondering at what else there could possibly be left to do for pw the next day.
Goodbye to sacrificing shopping trips and precious time watching tv just to finish up some pw crap.
Goodbye to whining on and on about pw on the phone to Trina and wishing the people who came up with this STUPID idea dead.
Goodbye to telling anyone who'd listen that the people who came up with pw weren't really so smart after all - look at all of us.
Goodbye to pw. Period.

Toodles pw!!
You will not be missed. :)

2004-10-28T16:13:00.000+08:00

Going to watch Singapore Idol LIVE soon! I was quite excited yesterday, but doing pw today has taken away some of that bubbliness. Oh well. But I still think it's gonna be quite fun. Going to leave at 530pm with Trina and we'll find our way down to Mediacorp 'cause I have no idea how to get there. Yay! Okay, getting a little excited now. Which is good I think, 'cause pw shouldn't dampen my mood to the point of me not even being able to be excited over watching Singapore Idol live!!

2004-10-27T20:11:00.000+08:00

Just watched my 7pm show. Gosh, it was such a shouty episode. Everyone was just yelling at each other like nobody's business. And I concluded that it's not advisable to watch the show during dinner. I got so caught up with all the yelling and shrieking that I almost shouted at my dad to pass the fish. Dad will be so not pleased if I start screaming at everyone around the dinner table. Am playing ffx with Carol now. Or I was anyway, before I came upstairs to print out some pw crap. Going back down soon.

The school computers are all damn screwed. Can't access hotmail unless you keep refreshing or you end up waiting for a full half-hour before having the error page displayed on screen. Can't download files from hotmail. Can't even insert a diskette without having the computer jamming. What's this maaaann?! Woke up with a headache this morning and was so tempted to stay home and sleep the headache away. But I wanted to practice my oral presentation. Stupidest thing ever though, I didn't get to present in the end. Annoyed like hell.

Got back results that include all ca and terms marks today. Didn't do as badly as I thought I would, triple Cs, but that's only 'cause I dropped math. All my math cas were horrible horrible horrible. 1 upon 30. 5 upon 30. My one proud moment was when I hit the double digit mark. 13 upon 35. But talking to Carol today made me feel... inadequate, somehow, for not doing 4 subs. And frustrated too, 'cause I keep thinking that I would have been able to manage 4 subs. If only I'd tried harder. But oh well. I should be glad that I'm gonna get promoted straight without having to take probationals! There's still a lot to be thankful for.

I can see it all so clearly now. Can picture it almost exactly in my mind and it seems all too real. Try to wave away those images in my head but it's futile. Like a hand trying to shoo away smoke or mist. Hmmm. Or is it more like I don't want to.

I think I'm too idealistic. Dreamy. Hopeful. Wishful. Deluded. Tired. Hopefulhopefulhopeful. And so so tired of trying. Still I can't let go and yet I keep thinking to myself that I don't think I can go on anymore.

2004-10-26T17:48:00.000+08:00

I don't understand. And yet I understand perfecftly well. My eyes are tired. My mind's saturated with farFAR too many thoughts. I wish I could permanently remove some of the thoughts floating about in my mind 'cause... I'm tired. Everything's changed, but I know nothing will ever change. What the hell am I talking about?

I'm sick and tired of stupididiotic pw. Bloody hell. The only thing I've learnt definitely isn't what moe had in mind for us to have learnt. I never get through a single day without feeling some sort of hatred towards pw. I know it's something that absolutely has to be done, so I just grit my teeth and trudge on in spite of my wanting to throw up my hands and wave a white flag of defeat. Sometimes, I want very much to be able to just sit back and completely ignore pw. Do the minimum, let others do the job. But I remind myself that if I do that, I'd only be jeopardising my own A-level score since the probablity of anyone else caring about pw is zilch. And it isn't worth it okay, screwing up my A-level score like that. Still. I think pw's freaking unfair. It's impossible to allocate marks fairly 'cause the final product doesn't show how much effort each member's put in. BLEEEAAHHHHHH.

I love this song. Don't know why, 'cause it's not as if the lyrics are significant to me. But the song just strikes a chord in me for one reason or the other, and makes me feel like writing a note too. Hahah. :)

If You Get There Before I Do
Collin Raye

If you get there before I do
Don't give up on me
I'll meet you when my chores are through
I don't know how long I'll be
But I'm not gonna let you down
Darling, wait and see
And between now and then
Until I see you again
I'll be loving you
Love,
Me.

There's a million and one things I wish I could say. But strangely, I can't find the words to put them down. That's well enough though, since saying some stuff will only get me into more trouble than necessary. I really have to learn to disguise my feelings better though. Act like nothing's wrong. Look emotionless and like I don't care at all. It's sad, but there're some things that other people would rather pretend didn' t exist. Like sadness and depression and misery and all the bad feelings, and OH dear, I guess that's just life.

But anyway, school today was quite a waste of time. As usual. Was supposed to stay back for drama today, but found out at 130pm that I didn't have to stay back anymore. Was sliigghhtly irrirated 'cause if I'd been told earlier, I could have gone home super early. Since I don't take math anymore and math lect's the last period. Ohhhh, and I sold ice-cream today with Chels. Actually, ice-cream selling today was quite fun! Gave my arms a real work-out man. Hahah. It's damn difficult to scoop up the ice-cream 'cause the ice-cream's like hard and frozen. Felt quite bad about making a guy wait while I tried my hardest to scoop up a decent amount of ice-cream for him. It was pressurizing okay! There was like a crowd of his classmates standing around and everyone was just waiting for me to hurry up and get the ice-cream onto the cone. Hmmm. Nevermind. Next time I do it, I'll be better!

2004-10-24T23:29:00.000+08:00

Deep breath. I've finished my powerpoint slides. In record time, I might add. For the first time in a long time, I'm sending my bit to someone else to collate - Nartz to be precise. Feels kinda strange not having to stress about putting everything together, but OH NO, I'm not complaining. I'll enjoy this while this lasts. Thanks a lot Nartz. :)

I remember one homily a few Sundays back that really stuck in my mind. The priest had said something about how praying is very important in cultivating a person's relationship with God, and that we should try to set aside some time for prayer everyday. Then he said that our prayers don't have to be fanciful or particularly eloquent for God to hear us. And that hope is the simpest form of prayer. He also said that if a person just sits down and hope for what he/she wants with the belief that God will fulfill that hope... it's a veryvery simple prayer too. That set me thinking, 'cause I'll admit that I don't say the most eloquent or beautiful prayers. But the knowledge that God listens to everyone's prayers - even if it's as simple as a sincere, fervent longing and belief that God will make everything all right again... it's comforting. I'd thought about what if I'd found out one day that I've been living in false hope all my life, wouldn't that be completely devastating? But in the next second, I decided that I'd never know whether my hope was false or not until I went on hoping. So there you go.

I don't have beautiful prayers laced with layers and layers of deep meaning, and all I have in me is my belief that if I hold out in spite of it seeming extremely impossible, God will one day somehow answer my simple plea. But I do know that I do have plenty of hope for all sorts of improbable things, and that has to be enough to sustain me and keep my head just above the crashing waves when it seems I'm about to drown. Disillusioned and deluded maybe? I rather not see it that way, but just as keeping that tiny flame of hope alive inside my heart, not letting the spark be extinguished by the torrential winds outside that threaten to blow me and my hope away. I'm hopeful.

2004-10-24T17:24:00.000+08:00

Got back my promo results on Friday. Well... It wasn't too bad, in the sense that I didn't fail any subject overall. But it wasn't great either, in the sense that I did fail certain papers - phy geog and econs essay. And I didn't do well for the paper I least expected myself not to do well in - gp. Sigh. I got a bloody c5 for gp okay. And considering the fact that ms tan kept saying that many people did well and gp grades were generally okay... I felt damn bad about my own marks. I guess it's just screwed up expectations. But anyhow, I think I'll get promoted. Hopefully without having to sit for probationals next year. A CCD set of grades normally shouldn't make me worry about probationals, but my terms were damndamn horrible! DEFF I think. Grrrrr. Lousy terms. Ohhhhh, and I passed my Chinese!! For the first time in a looonnngg time okay!!! :) And I did it with a 58% pass to boot! Hahah. What luck maaaann.

Openhouse yesterday was preeeeetttty fun in the end! I went to school dreading what I'd have to endure before 4pm came round so I could go home. Walked around the hall quite a bit with Chels. Watched Dree perform her cheerleading thing, which was daaammmnn good by the way! GO TEAM! Hahah. Cartwheels and high jumps and all. Chels said that yesterday felt quite high school, with cheerleaders and all. I think I agree!

And today... Went to IMH (or Woodbridge, if that's more familiar) with the senior svdp people. Put up a mini concert or something for the patients and served them lunch. Again, I didn't particularly jump for joy at the prospect of going there when I got up this morning, but I'm glad I went! Got to sit at the back of a lorry while it rained heavily and screamed and squealed everytime the lorry rolled over a hump. Having your ass bump up and down a solid surface is painful okaaaayyy. But it was damn funny, 'cause the uncle who was giving us a lift back to church started up the lorry engine and was about to drive off without Gary, who had to run after us yelling and looking like a construction worker. Hahah! And the skit that we put up was soooooooo silly! There was this one patient who kept HAHAHAHing loudly every 30seconds even though there was nothing remotely funny about anything. And another patient who yelled out HELLO HELLO to us as we walked down the corridor. It.. took some getting used to, I'll admit.

Okay, so now that promo results are out and openhouse's over, it's pw full steam ahead. My trial oral presentation's on Tuesday, so better start working on my powerpoint slides now. Hmmppph. Really HATE pw. Waste of time. Waste of energy. Waste of sleep. GRR. Oh, and ogl interview is tomorrow. I'll be glad when Tuesday's over! But hey, looking at the bright side of things, my busy stretch's already half gone. And I gotta get a new book soon. Just finished Memoirs of a Geisha and started on Sons of Heaven, something I dug up as I was shelving my books. I think it's about the Tiananmen Square incident. Memoirs was reeeeaallyyyy good though. So yeah, it's time for a new book again!

2004-10-21T21:58:00.000+08:00

PW nonsense is starting to pile up again. Sickening shit. Exam results are coming out tomorrow. I think it's stupid, how they're just gonna return all the papers at one go. I probably won't even dare to look past the paper on the very top of the stack 'cause the rest of my marks may just shock me silly. Sigh. Life's gonna be veeerrrryy different after tomorrow. Different in a badBAD way.

Anyway, the wr's really due tomorrow. For real this time. The last time I stayed up til 330am in the morning to do it, it was just so they could submit the report to the turnitin software thing that checks for plagarism. I just realised that I don't have any copy of the final FINAL wr anywhere on my computer, 'cause I had edited it in school the last time before submission and saved it in a diskette. Then I stupidly lent out both diskettes to various people. I'm really damn idiotic. GRRRRRRRR. Feel so insecure now, that I can't print out the biblio tonight since I don't have a copy with me.

School today was quite bad. I'm really in a crappy mood these days. Pmsing, maybe? Hmmm. Baaaaaad excuse, I know. But I really felt quite strange today. Like there were these little pricks of irritation every once in a while for no apparent reason. And I haven't been sleeping very well lately either. I've been getting weird disturbing dreams at night that leave me feeling extremely unrested when I get up in the mornings. Deep sigh.

You know, I thought that life after the exams would be a ball. What happened??? But I bought Memoirs of a Geisha today and I think it's a pretty good book. I think my being in this weird mood lately has made me feel more quiet and homey and hence the revival of my appetite for books. Blogging today hasn't made me feel any better. I still feel kinda restless... and annoyed... and irritated... and oh, I don't want my results to come back! Ignorance is bliss, and something I would like to indulge in if it means that learning the truth promises endless days of being grounded and buckets of tears and regret at my non-existent intelligence.

2004-10-19T08:42:00.000+08:00

I went to school today!! Though I truly did not want to. Sigh. The woes of a student. Heh. I'm in the computer lab now doing pw (supposedly). Ohwell. I was thinking last night that it's just 3 more weeks of lousy pw then it'll be totally a thing of the past!! HAHA. I so cannot wait for the happy day to come! But anyhow. I've gotten back the turnitin report thing and THANKGOODNESS, there isn't much to change.

Anyway. I realised that I've been going to town more than usual recently. Went on Thursday with Chels, met up with Tri on Sunday, going to go again later with Cheryl later, and maybe tomorrow too. Gosh. It's funny, 'cause I'm not usually such a big fan of Orchard Road. Hmmm. Maybe it's the after-exam effect, which makes me feel like getting out and about and doing stuff.

Sunday with Trina was great! Her mom treated me to a deeeelicious lunch at Holland V before taking us down to Ngee Ann. Had a creamy Cabonara with bacon and then popped over to Haagen Daz for a double scoop ice-cream with strawberry toppings. Delish maann. :) Anyway. Tri and I went shopping after that!! Bought a few tops and totally emptied my savings. Sheeeesshh. Just one day out and I blow everything I've saved. Had fun anyway. Hahah. I loooveee Tri's mom! How many moms will take her daughter's friend out on a Sunday for lunch?? Hmm. Not mine! But my mom's great too. She says the funniest things to get me to do stuff like cleaning up the plates and cups - stuff like "You'd better clean your cup, if not I'll take a picture of the lizard that comes out at night to swim in your cup!"

When I first heard it, I was like what the hell. And I started laughing after that when the image of a lizard going swimming started to permeate through my mind.

Stayed home yesterday 'cause I was supposed to be filling up my uwc application form. Oh, and was also supposed to go for dental in the afternoon to get my fixed-up retainers. But it started raining heavily in the afternoon, so I called mom to reschedule my appointment for me.

I.. Don't feel like going to school again tomorrow. I'm already in the floaty holiday mood. :)

2004-10-14T23:27:00.000+08:00

Today was really quite an eventful day. There're a million and one things I wanna blog about tonight! Wow, it's been a looooooonng time since I've felt this way about blogging, actually. Yay! Maybe my interest for blogging's coming back!

Went down to town with Chels after school today. School today was, by the way, really damn slack. I went to school today 'cause I thought there was gonna be ac games and I wanted to play to get my points. (I know, I know, it's a damn baaaaaad and selfish reason for wanting to take part. But I can't help it; I'm telling the truth.) But the Twister games thing was gonna be tomorrow, so I kinda went to school for nothing today. Ohhhh, but the Bacclaureate service today was preeeettyy nice. I liked the photo slide shows a lot. I think I must have watched a thousand and one slide shows today, but I still liked them anyway. Seeing all the pictures of the j2s who're gonna be leaving made me remember my own farewell mass back in ij last year. I know, there's no connection right! Hahah. I think I'm in a rather disjointed mood today.

I had fun shopping and just talking to Chels today as we walked around today! I know pal, I'm supposed to blog about the Mario/Allegeri escapade today, but I'm tooooooo tired to do it properly now! So I'll put that in tomorrow I think. Oh, and Chels and I are gonna be spies or PIs or whatever they are, and we're gonna publish a book about our daring and brilliant adventures as the Spy Pals or something like that! Hahahaah! :)

Okay, school again tomorrow. Don't really really particularly wanna go, but... AC games, points, remember!!!

2004-10-11T16:04:00.000+08:00

OH YAH. Now I remember what I wanted to whine about. After typing in the hotmail address twice 'cause for some reason now, I cannot type properly. After sifting through tonnes of junk mail asking if I want a breast enlargement or if I wanna win a million bucks.

I've never been sick during the exams before and omg, I never want to have to go through that again man. I was sick on Tuesday and Wednesday and I honestly thought I was gonna die 'cause I was sneezing so badly and my head was just splitting. Turned out I was running a fever - stupid viral gits!!! Then on Saturday. I had THE CRAMPS. Fluuussssssh, that was the sound of my whole Saturday just being flushed down the toilet bowl. I did absolutely zilch work on Saturday, hence leaving me to cram like crazy the whole of Sunday and this morning for the physical geog exam. I tried studying on Saturday okay, in spite of my gross pain. I managed to read the weathering notes after about 5hours. This is roughly how it went. Not pleasant at all okaaayy. Bleary-eyed-reading, wincing as my cramps came and went, sitting up to try to continue reading, uurrrgghh felt like throwing up, went back to lie down, sleep (or tried to but couldn't 'cause it was farFAR too excruciating), woke up and picked up the notes again, another wave of nausea, eyelids shut again... you get the picture eh. Sigh. Just thinking about Saturday brings tears of pain back to my eyes. It was one of my worst cramp attacks in my entire 17 years of life on earth.

So after having said all that, I conclude that if ONLY I manage to pass my exams this time round, I'll have a lot to be thankful for already. Ohhhhh, I think I'll fail. Which means that I'll get retained. And OH MY DEAR GOD, if I do pass overall, I'll be pretty damn happy for a long time.

2004-10-11T15:50:00.000+08:00

Khin woman, you should be damn flattered okay!! 'Cause I'm blogging today just for you - just so you know that I'm still alive in spite of stupid promos not being over yet. (Yeah, rub it it, why don't you?? Hahah.) Tomorrow's the last day of promos, yaaaayy!! Geog today was.. a lost cause. Sigh. Shan't talk about it at all since it's over, but yes, it was damn bad. :( Didn't have enough time to finish writing my long story about rock formation and all that nonsense. It's just econs mcq and drq plus e8 lit tomorrow then my sad tortured life as an exam candidate will be OVER!! Until November, when I'll have to take my chinese AOs, but heck with it for now maaannn. Ooohhhh, can't wait for tomorrow to be over! I'm thinking of all the things I can do and I'm quite quite excited! Like sleeping, or watching tv without my guilty conscience telling me to go study, or playing some game on my ps2, or SHOPPING maybe!! WowWHEE!!! Hahah. Okay, get a grip. I've still got econs tys to do today. Hmmm. But think about tomorrow!! :))

2004-09-28T20:55:00.000+08:00

8-inch-stack of geog notes.
3-inch-stack of econs notes.
1 Othello piece of crap with a million and one important quotes.
4 e4 books to highlight + read.
4 more days before exams begin.
AHHHHHHHH!!!!

I am SO bloody dead. I swear.

2004-09-27T20:34:00.000+08:00

Yay!!

I've got into the study momentum I think. Finally. I stayed up until 12plus last night to finish up econs P&C notes and went to bed feeling slightly accomplished. Did the China case study for internal migration during math and econs lect and read the UK and US case studies on the way home. :)

Really shouldn't be blogging now actually. I shouldn't be stepping anywhere near this computer for the next 2weeks actually. Shoo. Scram. Scat.

And Dree, it's bovine. As in bovine. You know, cow-like and stoic and dumb and BLAHHHH. Yep. Hahah. Another week of school, then it's exam week, the next weekend, two more days of exams, and it's OVER!! Whooo.

OH. And the proper usage of the term "Tom, Dick and Harry" can be found in a previous post of mine I believe. Some people say the funniest things, I swear. It all comes out damn wrong. Okay, so it's not like I'm an expert in the proper usage of words or anything like that. ButBUT. I believe I know how to use this particular one. And it's SO NOT what I heard today okaaayyy. Hahah.

2004-09-24T21:34:00.000+08:00

Why I cry
Tell me why you cry, little girl
Your tear-stained face upturned
to stars in the night
Teardrops rolling off your eyelash curl
As you pray for help with all your might

Tell me why you cry, please do
For someone knows
though you smile when bright
But alone at night, the sky a dark hue
Tears falling, under the covers pulled up tight

Tell me why you cry, won't you?
It's distressing
to see you have to fight
Your sadness, grief, regret and rue
You never know - someone may make things right

***

I'll tell you why I cry dear stranger
I'll share with you
the reasons for my tears
Just promise me that you won't snigger
At my story, my upset and my fears

Well, have you ever been hurt so bad
You feel you've been
completely destroyed
You start out by feeling really sad
Yet some hope remains in the sea, still buoyed

As time goes by, patience wearing thin
And stranger-
you'll start to wonder
Dark thoughts begin to wander within
Eating into your mind and yonder

Anger at everything, at how you've been robbed
And all you want to do is forget
completely
Until one day when thinking as you sob
You realise that it's all your fault - entirely

So now you see why I cry, dear person
Why I simply cannot let go
'cause my heart says one thing
and so does my reason
That the fault is mine and mine alone

***

But little girl, things will get better - you'll see
Take this from someone who knows exactly why

Dear person, you never knew this, but actually
All I really want is you
That's why I cry

2004-09-24T21:07:00.000+08:00

Dree has pointed out to me a million and one times that blogging is quite unnecesary - you treat your blog as your diary, fine, but it's only up on the web for about the whole world to read, so who can stop anyone from reading any one person's blog? You're just inviting unwanted attention by typing in all your innermost thoughts (okay, so NOT QUITE!). So why do we create so much trouble for ourselves by telling people what we think or feel or want in our blogs? Plus, the tag-board's just up there INVITING any Tom, Dick or Harry to comment about your life. Hmmm. So why do I still continue to blog? I don't knowww.

Exams in a week's time. Gonna go study now. A week seems like an awfully short time to finish up a 3-inch pile of geog notes. And that's only the human geog pile okay. Grrrr.

2004-09-22T14:29:00.000+08:00

I'm damn deeeaadd! Phy geog test tomorrow and... I've still got about 70pages plus plus of notes to sift through. Cabbed home today and gosh, I'd better pass my geog test tomorrow maann. 13bucks isn't exactly spare change for me okay. Sigh.

Forgot to bring my handphone today. Felt so weird the whole day. Realised how reliant we've all grown to be on our phones when I felt like I'd left something devastatingly important at home. On the flip side, leaving my phone at home has kept me from messaging all throughout the day! Which is good, since I'm trying hard to keep within my free messages for this month.

Promos in about a week-and-a-half's time. I'm just stating that in a matter-of-fact kind of way 'cause... It's a fact. And the only thing I can do right now is study. Which is a fact too, by the way. It's so simple isn't it. Just study for the next week or so and it'll all be over. Whether I get promoted or retained will also be determined by how hard I work this next week. But is it too late though? I'm afraid of the answer.

Okay, back to my physical geog nowww. Hope hope hope that I won't have to pull another late night stunt tonight. One of these lousy late-nights a week is more than enough for me to last me the entire year. Imagine me sitting at my table with stupid stupid coast notes in front of me tonight at 4am. Blahhhhh. NO thankYOU. Grasping at nothing, again. You will never care, but I (stupidly) will not and cannot let go.

Atomic Kitten. Whole Again. It's blaring on the radio now.
If you see me walking down the street
Staring at the sky, and dragging my two feet
You just pass me by
It still makes me cry
You can make me whole again
Looking back on when we first met
I cannot escape and I cannot forget
Baby you're the one
You still turn me on
You can make me whole again.
Time is laying heavy on my heart
Seems I've got too much of it
Since we've been apart
My friends make me smile
If only for a while
You can make me whole again.

2004-09-19T19:03:00.000+08:00

Pw does nothing but make people pissed off like hell.

I quote from moe's website:
(Pw should be introduced in order to) "Give greater focus to knowledge skills, especially thinking and communication skills."

The only communication skill I've learnt is how to talk really quickly when I'm damn angry over some pw nonsense or the other and to explain my problem with pw in succinct sentences. So that I don't waste more time then necessary brooding over stupid STUPID pw. What a joke.

I've been sitting in front of the computer since 3pm this afternoon and I'm gonna be sitting here until I finish the whole damn report. And. I forsee myself staying up till 2am or later tonight. My mom and dad were pissing me off today and I think it's mostly pw's fault 'cause I'm not ordinarily so short-fused.

Khin messaged me this afternoon and I was reeeaallly glad to hear from her. I haven't heard from her in the longest time ever and my tagboard ALWAYS won't let me post stuff to her.. So woman, I'll just say what I wanted to say here. I tried tagging AT LEAST 10 times okay, and I'm so not exaggerating. Gosh. Khin woman! You know there's this picture of us both looking damn diiiirrrttyy and icky and grimy in your photo album? I wanted to know when we took it 'cause I don't remember taking it!! Hahah. :)

Okay, I'm going to grab a quick shower and my dinner before returning to do pw. Some things are just nuisances. LIKE, pw. Eeeewww.

2004-09-19T01:24:00.000+08:00

Omg, this is daaaaaammmmnn annoying. I've finally got into the momentum of working my ass off for pw, getting some research pieces printed out so I can cite properly in the written report.
When. I find out that the bloody printer has no ink.
Grrrrrrrr. The printer just has to decide to die on me now right?! Stupid thing. Conking out at the wrong time. Looking at the brighter side of things, it's good that I've found out that the stupid thing ran out of ink tonight so I can get dad to refill the ink for me tomorrow before I wanna print out the final report. I tell you. If I'd found out that the printer has no more ink just when I'm printing out my report. I will SHRIEK.

Went to Tri's place for dinner just now. We called in McDonald's and I brought my pw stuff to do while she studied. I think I was rather much of a baaaadd distraction though, sorry Tri! We kept talking about the random-est things, it was reaaaally quite all over the place. Ate a fillet-o-fish and a McFlurry. McFlurrys HAVE HAVE to be quitequite frozen and hard while you eat it. The one I ate today was anything but that, and it was really quite gross okay. But I still ate almost everything anyway. Oh, and the ice-cream started bubbling after I'd stopped eating, so maybe I've eaten something bad. Bubbling food is never good. I kept eating and eating the whole day, I feel damn damn fat now. Blahhhh. Okay, I don't really care. I hardly eat till I feel fat, so one or two days of indulging myself won't hurt. I hope.

Took quite a few pictures with Tri today. Here's one which I found quite funny 'cause we both looked just a little toooooo happy for two people who are supposed to be damn stressed over work and exams and keep bitching on and on about it. Especially since we were just complaining about how everything basically sucks big time just before we took this photo. Hahah. :)

And... Here's the awful mess I'm surrounded by as I sit in front of the computer and try to get some pw done.

Actually, I'm just making full use of the infrared port which Kor lent me this morning. (By so ingeniously dropping it into my letterbox.) I still think every computer should have one, so I think I'll start by talking about how so very useful I think an infrared thing is and maybe dad'lll slowly get persuaded to buy one for our computer. Haha. It's getting a little late now. Okay. It's off to bed for me. Still gotta get up early tomorrow morning to follow Tri and her mom to church (since I refused to go for the super long service with my parents tonight). I like going to church on Sunday mornings. I just get the feeling that I'm starting off my Sunday on the right foot. :)

2004-09-18T15:38:00.000+08:00

Doing pw now, and the prospect of being stuck on the computer for the rest of the night doing pw makes me want to puke. I just re-did the survey results and I gotta do the lit review bit and cross my fingers and hope everyone else comes up with their parts by tomorrow. Hmmm. I hope it rains soon. I like the rain when I'm at safe and warm at home. I'm getting incredibly restless. Like I ought not to be doing stuff that wastes preciousprecious time and I should do things when I can and not procrastinate.

On a lighter note, I'm glad that I've finally got round to working on that annoying pw. Geog test's been postponed to Tuesday, so that's one more day for me to study. Looking at the glass and seeing it as half full rather than half empty does make things seem much better, but there are times when it's impossible to be anything but sad.
If only you knew what I'd do for you.

2004-09-17T21:15:00.000+08:00

This is getting damn repetitive. Today was a bad day. I'm sad. I'm miserable. I hate my life. Sheesh. I'm getting stuck in a rut.

But today seriously sucked big time okay. Not only was I moody and depressed and blahhh, I was damn bloody PISSED on top of all that. To put it in simple terms, I was both sad and angry. Which doesn't really make for a good combination. Spent about an hour just now on the phone with Trina just being extremely bitchy and whiny and OMG, I would have hated to be talking to myself then. Thanks Tri, for putting up with my foul mood. I wish you were here in ac with me. Then I wouldn't feel so alone sometimes. Sighh. Today sucked partly 'cause of pw. The stupid final draft's due on Monday, and we haven't even started editing our returned first draft yet. I am SO DEAD. And. I have a geog test on Monday. Just tell me HOW???? Waillll. I'm reeeeaaalllyy upset.

I think I'm gonna get a new blog soon. Maybe after all this shit's over. This one's got too many memories for my liking. Too many happy memories that I stupidly didn't cherish enough when everything was just rosy. I wish I could just reach into my mind and chuck out all those happy memories 'cause they just seem to be mocking me in my depression now. I don't WANT to remember anymore. I want to have a severe concussion or anything that'll wipe my memory out and let me live properly again. Gosh, I do sound like I'm totally off my rocker or something. But truth is I'm in such a messed up state now that I feel that I'm slowly losing it. Maybe it's just today. Maybe it'll all be better when Monday comes and goes and both pw and geog are out of my face. Grrrrr. Too many maybes for my liking.

2004-09-17T09:14:00.000+08:00

It's recess period now and I'm in the library trying to get some pw done.
Isn't there something severelyseverely wroooonnngg with the whole picture??????

2004-09-16T17:13:00.000+08:00

I'm in the school library now. Omg. I hatehatehate HATE pw so much. I'm in a terrible mood even though it's after school now. Which says quite a lot 'cause I'm usually enjoy my time after school. I'm a firm believer in having fun after school hours. But I'm having trouble adhering to my own rules these days.

And the library's phenomenally packed today. Exam and pw fever's seeping into everyone. I'm exceptionally grumpy today. Which is bad.

I keep doing the stupidest things. I filled in the form to run for arts council. Thinking that all I'd have to do would be to fill in the form. Fill in the form, as in just write some stuff. But NOOOOOOOOOOO. There was supposed to be an interview today for those people running for president. I don't really wanna go into the details 'cause I was soSO annoyed with the whole interview business just now. So I told Jinsheng that I didn't wanna run for pres anymore. Thinking that hey, I won't have to be interviewed! But grrrrr. To my horror, I find out that there may be an interview tomorrow for the rest of the people running for arts council anywayyyyy. Which means there's no way I can run away from having to speak to two people who wanna judge me based on how I present myself in such an intimidating scenario. Gosh. Some things, you just can't run away from, I find. After going through the council interview and coming out in a terrible state 'cause I was absolutely petrified, then finding out that I'd made it through the interview, THEN finding out that I'd have to go on stage to say something and deciding to pull out then was HEARTBREAKING. I regretted it like hell and I'm still kicking myself over my idiocy every night. I was determined never to make spur of the moment decisions ever again 'cause they just cause you endless grief. Then just now, I had a fleeting thought of pulling out of running for arts council totally just so I wouldn't have to be interviewed... And I reminded myself not to be a complete ass.

I'm terribly terribly annoyed with myself for being such a lousy public speaker. For making myself appear totally brainless in interviews. For being so SCARED of every single damn thing. Grrrr. What's. WRONG with me??? Why can't I just be content living life as just another ordinary person. Why do I put myself through the self-inflicted torture of being intimidated out of my wits during interviews and such for leadership roles. If I'm so freaking terrified of all that, then maybe I'm not cut out for roles that need me to step up and out? So. Why do I even try so hard??? I'm starting to get damn pissed. Reeeeaaaallllyy.

All right. Pw. Pw. Pw. Back to pw. Shan't get worked up. Shan't get too upset. Shan't start pms-ing on myself and start being a bitch to everyone around me. Shan't beat myself up for something that's already been over and done with. Shan't keep asking myself questions that I CANNOT ANSWER. Shan't look like I'm ready to bite someone's head off. Shan't blog anymore.
Shan't SHAN't cry, dammit.

2004-09-15T21:40:00.000+08:00

Short short post today. I wanna sleep early tonight.
I need sleep. Crawled into bed at 1am last night after struggling to finish up the annoying human geog essay which I just couldn't seem to finish. I remember that I'd started working on it sometime during the holidays. But what's it still doing left undone last night when I ought to have finished it ages ago? That's what I was asking myself. I stayed up till 1am and managed to finish part b, which took SO damn long to do. I got so fed-up that I decided to stuff part c and go to bed. Did part c during first period free block today (what used to be Math lect).

I think today was a half happy half sad day. I remember laughing a lot throughout the day though I can't remember half of my reasons for being so tickled in the first place. But as I walked back home from the bus stop, I felt strangely... Uneasy. Not depressed, but just not quite right. Like everything really OUGHT to be okay, but there's just something that's spoiling everything, something really small. Like in one of those Spot the Differences pictures, where some of the discrepancies between the two pictures are really damn difficult to find. Only for me, I think I knew why I felt a little upset though I didn't really know what I wanted. Maybe it was the rainy wet weather that put me in that slightly saddish mood this evening.

Went for the college bowl thing today. We had a bit of trouble trying to figure out whether to go for it or not, but it turned out to be preeeetttyy fun in the end I think. :) Even though I think I embarrassed myself 'cause half the balls I rolled just drifted lazily into the gutter. And 'cause we ended up bowling next to some school team bowlers. Ian and this other girl I think. They had their own nice shiny balls and shoes too! Gosh, it was really quite embarrassing. My average was sooooo pathetic. I don't know what went wrong for me today, 'cause the last time I bowled with Trina, I wasn't so lousy. Oh well. And Christina was the star bowler in our team! She bowled a game of 160ish or something. That's like my 2 or 3 games added up all together okay. Sheesh. Butbut. I think I managed a few strikes and spares! We all did, actually. Oh, and I found out that 3 strikes in a row make a turkey. Thanks to Christina! Haha.

Dree and Chels my pals were seriously damn funny during the bowling thing today. Omg, I could have died laughing!! Hahahaah. And Dree said that she can see her reputation just going down the drain. But thanks my pals, for all the stuff you did today!! I must admit that you guys are good maannnn. At doing some stuff which I totally SUCK in. I think I would make a crappy PI. I can't tail a person 'cause he/she may run too fast for me to catch up, I can't take decent photos without the target being the only thing not in the picture, and I can't not laugh and be not obvious. Haha!

And I remember something else about my day too. All this is just floating into my head in bits and pieces. It's all so random. Laoshi forgot about his chinese class today! Haha!

Okaaaayyyy. I'm off to do my econs essay outlines. I'm determined not to get retained. Yay. Focus!

2004-09-14T21:34:00.000+08:00

Ah ah AHHH! There're so many things I gotta do tonight/by this week that I don't know where to start. :( I'll go list them out in a while on a super bright post-it so I can stick it on my desk where I can see it clearly. And so I'll be reminded of all the STUFF I gotta do before I'm tempted away by the tv or the phone.

Oh, and shoots, I forgot to return Trina's call. Grrrr.
I've got about a million and one things to do and I seriously need to prioritize maannn. Or I'll be dead, what with stupidstupid pw written report due next Monday, physical geog test on either Friday or Monday, and promos coming up far too quickly for my liking. I don't get it: why's our written report due next week when practically every other jc in Singapore's letting their students have 'till after the promos to hand it in? And gosh, I haven't even started on revision proper. Aaaahhhhh! Waaaaiiilll.

What do I do know? Oh help.

2004-09-13T14:53:00.000+08:00

I'm having terrible cramps. I feel absolutely blahhhh. Extremely nauseous and bloated and oooohh, the pain! The pool side cafe's closed today, the fridge's empty and I'm going to starve to death. And oh, the gross pain's the worse of them all. It just takes the cake. I haven't had cramps like this for the last two months so I was starting to forget how horribly I detest being a girl sometimes. But today. Was a good reminder. And I wish I weren't female. I didn't ask to be able to have kids 'cause, hey, I'm not intending to have any in the first place. Heck, I may not even want to get married, so who's talking about having kids? And I sure as hell didn't ask for the pain and extreeeme discomfort. Arggghh.

But then again, there're some days when I thank my lucky stars and kiss them a million times each that I was born a girl! Just two words: pretty clothes. :) Oh, and another two words for you: no NS.

2004-09-11T14:06:00.000+08:00

Oh my. That was a damn long post! For my standards, that is. But I feel slightly better now, though I feel like I could just go on and on and on about how I feel about certain things. Ohhhh. Better not. I got off the phone with Trina a while ago and I felt slightly comforted (though that was BEFORE my rambly blog entry below) 'cause it made me remember about how safe I felt last year with my deardear ij friends. Khin, where are you?? Oh, that's a silly question. I KNOW exactly where you are, but there's so much I need to talk to you about now that it just seems like I don't know where you are anymore. I'm in need for one of those conversations we used to have about the strange actions of people and how screwy the world is and ohhhh. I'm pms-ed.

2004-09-11T13:44:00.000+08:00

Gosh. The whole of yesterday gone just like that. Spent the whole day out. And I don't feel like doing anything now. Badbad.

Went for econs yesterday morning first. I think I'm quite dead for econs 'cause like, (ms) tancc got me to go up to the board to draw some diagram thing. The demand and supply curves for a firm and industry in perfect competition I think. Anyway. When she called me to go up to the board to draw it, what she wanted me to draw sounded vaguely familiar, like I KNEW what she wanted and KNEW how to draw it. But when I held the marker in my hand, I just.. Forgot everything. Every single bloody thing. I was getting quite annoyed with myself 'cause I'd seen and drawn the diagram for myself a million times before already. Oh dear.

Lunch at Suki with Nartz, Pedro, Maria, Cheryl and Chels later. Cheryl, Chels and I had a-la-carte. Ate 3 softshell crab handrolls and felt prettyy good about it later. Chels left to meet her friend earlier, leaving Cheryl and I to talk over lunch. I.. Got prettyyy worked up over what we talked about. Not AT Cheryl, but our topic of conversation. I seriously DISLIKE. Really truly. I felt quite sad after that. And I just canNOT comprehend how the minds of some people work. How they can seem to treat you so nicely, smiles and all.. (Note the word: seem.) Note they And oh, I shan't say anymore. No point in getting so worked up, really. I guess.. The world's just quite a messed up place, and some people just puzzle the hell out of me with what they say and what they think and oh, here I go again. :(

Before I really lose it and start ranting about what's been pissing me off for the longest time ever, I'll just run through the rest of my day quickly enough. Left Suki soon after, headed to Taka to shop for Dree's present. Walked into Mango and Zara and a dozen other shops, but couldn't find anything. Cheryl and I finally found something nice at Accessorize. It was ABOUT TIME too. I swear, my feet were just dying. And my shoulders and arms and just about every part of my body as well. We went over to Topshop. I saw a few prettyyy skirts that I liked. :) Gotta start saving from scratch again, after blowing my entire savings account yesterday present-shopping. Met Kor at the Chinese High bus-stop at 7.15pm and took the damn long walk across the bridge and round the entire perimeter of the school before we got to Nanyang. Gosh. It took a whole 15minutes just to get from the bus-stop across the road to the Nanyang school gate. Carol called to tell me to get our complimentary tickets from Denise. I'd forgotten how Denise looked like, so had to get some help there. Got help from one of Carol's friends, who identified herself by saying "Hey, you're Carol's sister! She wants you to donate!" And I got a box shoved under my nose and got robbed of two bucks in the process. Hahahah. The production itself was prettyyy good! I think I'm gonna re-read Amy Tan's The Bonesetter's Daughter. I didn't understand most of the second act 'cause it was totally in CHINESE. Eeek. :/ So gotta go read the book again (which is completely in English, thankgoodness) to find out what happened in between Ruth's mother going senile and putting stuff in the fridge and Art proposing to Ruth. The part in China. Ohh, and we had a lousy audience last night. They laughed at all the wrong times. This scene where Ruth was supposed to be mad at LuLing? And another scene where Ruth was damn upset by LuLing's injury? Well, the audience found it hilarious and started laughing. Sheeesh. I felt so bad for the actress playing Ruth, 'cause it was clearly not meant to be a funny scene. Thankgoodness there was someone else among the laughing people who had any decency. Someone got the rest to shutup with a mighty SHHHHHHH. :) Went out for supper after that with mom and dad and Kor and Carol (oh, and that makes everyone). Had a nice steaming plate of fried kway teow and sweeeeettt iced milo. The iced milo in coffee shops are damn sweet. ALOT of condensed milk, I think.

So anyways. Yesterday was a nice enough day. But as I went to bed, the last thing on my mind was my conversation with Cheryl at Suki. And though I didn't show any outward signs of annoyance, I was actually quite disturbed by it all. Sighhh. I guess I'm the kind of person who'd really rather avoid confrontations and all that and... You know, basically peace-loving and prettyyy mild in general.

I used to worry about the mean things that other people could say behind my back, 'cause I used to feel completely destroyed whenever I found out that someone somewhere out there thought that I was less than perfect. I still feel a little uneasy when I think that someone who I consider a friend may actually tell the rest of the world that I'm NOT her friend, though I think I am, but she actually truly hates me and cannot stand me. But stepping out of ij has made me realise that not everyone in the world will be my friend, not everyone will necessarily like me. In fact, some people may hate me, and I shouldn't lose any sleep over that. Realising that has made me appreciate those people who I KNOW won't say straaaannge stuff about me without my knowing it, and oh, thankyou Trina and Khin and my darling Pals for letting me feel safe and secure with you guys without having to worry about ever feeling betrayed.

I don't know why I suddenly felt sentimental. I'm actually biting my lip now to stop myself from continuing to rant, not that it'll help, 'cause I'm not really talking now but am typing. But my biting my lip just reminds me to get hold of myself before I say stuff I'll regret later. I recognise that some people aren't actually mean MEAN, but I don't know... Their actions just say otherwise. Like how you just know that someone's basically a nice, decent person inside, but the next minute, his/her actions just seem to scream the exact opposite and you start to wonder if your initial judgement was completely warped or whether that person's gone temporarily insane. Or how you think that the person's plain nice all round when you suddenly realise that other people around you don't really think so and they start telling you stuff about him/her. Bad stuff.

And there's this other thing called the herd mentality that Khin (I think) was telling me about last year. She used to read these psychology books that explained weird human behaviour. Believe me when I describe human behaviour as weird, 'cause I truly think that a large majority of human actions are inexplicable and veryvery hard to comprehend. And my prefect days also had shown me how some people tended to behave in the same way that the friends in their group did. I remember how we had one of those learn-to-love-yourself talks last year after our prelims, and one speaker said something that I found particularly funny in a twisted way.

"A person's true beautiful side only shows when she's in a large group of friends. Yes, as a single person, she's pretty, but in a group, she truly shines."

Or some complete nonsense along those lines. I might have thought that the guy was - wow-wee, a genius!! - last time. But looking back on those words, I think the school might as well have poured the money they spent hiring him down the drain. Like, HUH?!?! The man's telling us that we have to be among a group of people to truly shine and blahhh, and that we're not good enough to stand by ourselves, and we're paying the man good money for that? Hello, what happened to the learn-to-love-yourself talk? That sounded more like learn-to-love-yourself-'cause-you're-damn-good-BUTBUT-only-among-other-people-'cause-you're-not-good-enough-by-your-lonesome-self.

In fact. I've seen how someone can be really nice alone, but put her in a group of friends and she's like someone totally different - bad different, that is - 'cause she's no longer nice and all she tries to do is to be someone she thinks her friends will like. Okayyyy, so that may have sounded more than a little harsh, but I call it as I see it. So shoot me for observing and having a mind of my own. I know exactly who I am and who I want others to see me as, and I feel quite perfectly comfortable in my own skin (contrary to your straaaannggee warped beliefs), thank you veryvery much.

So after years and years of quiet, innoculous observation from my little corner in the world I've concluded that, no, I don't need to be Little Miss Popular, and no thanks, I don't need to be cooler than everyone else. Oh, and it's all right, I don't need to have more friends than there are stars in the sky, and sheesh, for the last time!! - I don't need that patronising tone you adopt when you speak to me! So take your hypocrisy along with you as you go, why don't you, and ooohhhh, how'd you like repeating what rather hurtful things you always say about my friends and me behind our backs to my face? (So I may burst into tears at that or may end up feeling utterly destroyed for weeks on end after that, but we'll take the risk, eh?) And oh, while we're at it, perhaps you'd consider enrolling yourself for a workshop pronto. I'll sponsor you, but don't be disappointed 'cause it ain't for your looks honey. So maybe you'd be surprised to find out that, hey!!, there's more to life than what's on the surface anyway!!! And maybe just maybe, you'll finally learn that everyone has feelings, yeah, you know those things that you think every other walking and breathing person on this earth doesn't have except yourself? - and that you've been hurting those whatsits? - oh, feelings, yeah, that's it.

Open up your eyes, take off those rose-tinted glasses and you may just find out that oh, the tragedy of it all!!! - not everyone wants to be a carbon copy of you after all. Wake up. So maybe I don't look and act and talk like you. And that. Is quite positively all right. You love you just the way you are, and I sure love me for the way I am, so we'll just keep it as that eh? No one needs to say anything else, and the world would be a muchmuch nicer place to live in, I'd like to think.

And that concludes my rant after manymany years of observing different people's behaviour. So not everyone agrees with what I just said, and I've grown to accept the fact that a large majority of the world won't love me to bits, but hey, a girl's entitled to her own thoughts and ideals. And though I acknowledge the fact that there ARE some not-so-nice things going on in the world and that life off that nice pink fluffy cloud's much less that perfect, I can't change anything. This post isn't so much about "backstabbing" (as someone pointed out not-too-subtly) as it is about how a large majority of everyone thinks too much about everyone else's wishes and wants and assumes that all he/she wants to do is to be someone else they're not. It's quite paradoxical, 'cause I'm doing precisely that now - thinking about how some people assume that. I'm starting to get a headache.

2004-09-09T18:23:00.000+08:00

Would you believe it? I want to go blogskin viewing again. Butbut. I shan't. I'll work my own html code out after the exams. Restraint maannn.

Spent the afternoon reading my red Sloman book in a last-ditch desperate attempt to scrape a pass for my promos in three weeks. Don't know how I'm gonna survive promos. Really. Oh-well. I'll start worrying about it when the day comes nearer. Oh, and the school admin must be planning to get my fingers to drop off one of the exam days. Full gp and chinese papers on the same day should be declared officially illegal and banned. Omg. Two three-hour papers on the same day makes 6 solid hours of writing. They. Have zerosense of compassion okayyy. Hmpphh.

My plans to catch a catnap this afternoon were completely ruined when mom called back to remind me to dump the clothes in the wash. I spent 15minutes standing in front of the machine trying to remember what dad taught me last week about working the washing machine without spoiling it, and spent another 5minutes trying to remember the right number of spoons of detergent to pour in. I feel quite domesticated, suddenly. After successfully setting the machine off to spin, I felt inspired to clean out the bird cage and let the birds try japanese rice too. I still remember how my mynah died from the sticky japanese rice that got stuck in its throat two years back, but I made sure that the rice I put in today wasn't cooked. And. Kimmy and her playmates keep trooping in and out of the garden. Making a lot of noise and often forgetting to lock the gate behind them. I think they're looking for Socks again.

What shall I do now? I think I'll go back to my Sloman. Ohhhhh!! There's Singapore Idol tonightttt! :) I hope tonight's group will be better than last week's. It was quite disappointing, 'cause (mr) lynn kept reminding the geog-ers to vote for his favourite student, Nathaniel Ho, and he - Nathaniel - was suchhhhh a let down mannn! Ken Lim said that he looked like the Singapore Idol but sounded like the loser of a karaoke competition. Ouch. I didn't think he looked THAT good in the first place anyway. But Christopher Michael Lee was quite cute, in a little boy wayy! I heard that he and Daphne Khoo are together or something. Gosh. What's this?? I'm so off-tangent now. Haha.

2004-09-09T09:30:00.000+08:00

Dad's taken my Panasonic phone to the repair place this morning. Which means I'm stuck with my too-pink too-big Nokia that's practically antique. The one that Pedro rushed to take a photo of when he saw it on the lecture table 'cause he said it was so old that you never get to see it around anymore. Hahahaahh. It's the third time in as many months that the Panasonic's been to the repair place. I think I'll trade it in once the one-year-warranty's up 'cause after that, I'll have to pay to get the thing repaired, and dad'll get doubly pissed 'cause not only does he have to take time off to send the thing down, he'll have to fork out money too. So yeeeeeesss. Although dad threatened to make me use the too-pink too-big Nokia for one whole year before letting me get a new phone. Butbut. We'll seeeeee. Maybe I can persuade him otherwise when he's one of his reeeaaalllyy good moods. :)

Hmmm. Shall try to finish up (ms) leow's human geog tutorial today and econs tys for (ms) tancc's class tomorrow morning. I felt pretty productive last night. Half a human geog lecture and one-third of an econs chapter is prrreeeettttyy damn alot okay. Haha. I'll try to do more today, though. I did all that in the last half an hour before I went to bed, so theoretically, I should be able to do ALOT more today when I'm fully awake and smiling.

Oh yes. Today's a very pretty day. Haha. The sky's kinda covered with these white puffy clouds but you can still see the niiiccceee shade of blue behind. Like it's muted or somethinngg. And there's a gentle breeze blowing through the window, and it's making the trees outside sway a little bit. Ohhh. And I wonder where Socks is. She was sleeping in Kor's garden last night and when I was just about to get home, she woke up and stretched and pawed at my feet. She's damn cute. But I wish she wouldn't stare so hungrily at Qualle and Saph whenever she comes over for a visit. I feel so uneasy for them.

2004-09-08T22:49:00.000+08:00

OMG OMG!!! I'm damn damn annoyed at blogspot again.I typed in this super long post. And it's gone gone GONE! Arrrrrggghhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. Bleeeeaaahhhhh. And whatever other annoyed sound you can possibly make.
FAR too irritated to re-type what I said just now. Forget it maaaann.

But anyhow. For the benefit of my dear blur Khin. The tag-board's still there! I wouldn't take it away since it's the only convenient way we have of keeping in touch. :) It's in the column to the left.. Youuu just have to scroll down to the end.

Every computer should have an infrared port. I'm using Kor's now, and I wish we had one too. It's damn useful okayyy. Oh, I basically had lunch with Tri today nd had a nice catching up conversation over hawaiian pizza and garlic bread. Gosh, I feel damn fat noww. :/ Just downed a chocolate milkshake that Kor made (it was really gooooooodd, btw), with yummy chocolate chips floating around inside and I feel quite quite sinful.

Watching Kor play some MetalGear-like game on his Xbox makes me wanna play ff on my ps2 like now. Grrrr.

2004-09-07T22:48:00.000+08:00

When I change my layout, I'll get sick of it quickly and want to change it again. So I go blogskin-hopping (now that I'm lazy and can't really be bothered to do my own) for a nice skin. And I find one! Then. I have a ton of trouble re-working the html for my own use. So I land up with a screwy template with the top cut off.

Abit like this, actually.

2004-09-07T17:47:00.000+08:00

Finally got down to completing my e4 essay last night! Not that I really had much of a choice in the first place, 'cause it was due today anyway. Haha. Butbut. I still like the feeling you get when you just finish your homework! I feel gooooooodd.

Geog lect today at 9am. I was fine with classes at 9am at first. But the terribleterrible squashy bus-ride at 8am isn't worth it. I'd rather we have the lesson earlier at say, 8am? Then I could follow dad down in the morning, and I wouldn't have to jostle my way up an overflowing bus 74. Actually. I think I'll get a lift from dad tomorrow morning anyways. And do some work in school before the lect starts.

I'm starting to get tired of blogging. I think it's 'cause I just went through this period of addictive blogging, where I'd HAVE to blog every single day. And after stopping for like, 4 days after that, I suddenly feel like there isn't anything to say anyyyymore. What made me feel like typing in this relatively short post today was my sudden desire to change the template again. Yeahhh.

Ohh. And happy birthday to Michwong!! :) Today wouldn't have been a great start to a birthday, with geog lect in the morning to kick start the day, but I hope the rest of the day was betterrr!

2004-09-03T14:55:00.000+08:00

Got quite annoyed at something today. Ohh, I guess I was more disappointed than anything else. But anyways. I'm at home now waiting for the water supply to come back on (silly condo management people cut off our water supply 'cause the pub people are replacing the water meters in the estate). I wanted to wash my cup to pour myself some orange juice. Walked right over to the kitchen sink and put my cup under the faucet. Turned the tap. And nothing came out. Then I remembered those notices they'd stuck all over the estate noticeboards and I decided that the day was only becoming worse.

Oh, but Khin messaged me twice today and made me smile abit! :) Thanks woman! In case you don't bother checking the tag-board, I said that I'll reply your messages via that thing... 'Cause it's the quickest way to do it. Haha. I'm hungry. Gonna take a slow stroll to the pool and grab my lunch like, now. Pan-fried fish with coleslaw and fries is really yummy. :)

I'm really getting quite significantly stumped these days by the stupidest things. And 'cause I know they're stupid, I feel even worse. This year has been pretty bad. Made a lot of wrong decisions earlier on, and... I'm only just finding out how infuraitingly dumb I've been. I just may run for Arts Council or something, but I'm losing confidence in my ability to lead. I think I've just been through tootoo many setbacks this year and my self-confidence level is at an all time low. All the stuff I did last year seems like it all happened a lifetime ago. It's as if in all those GMs where I've had to dish out instructions to 40-plus prefects, it wasn't me standing there and talking but someone else. Someone level-headed and rational, someone who didn't do the stupidest things over and over again. It's almost as if... I'm not me anymore. I don't know what to do. I don't know where I am. Long sigh.

2004-09-02T11:38:00.000+08:00

It's gp again. I'm in the com lab. Again. School's becoming a boring routine again even as exam stress's beginning to seep into everyone in class like a poisonous fume working it's deadly intoxicating magic. What was supposed to be a quick 1hour cat-nap yesterday afternoon eventually stretched itself out into a 2hour thing. That was after I'd gone swimming with Carol yesterday before lunch. Swam 20 laps and felt quite good about myself after that, having thought that I'd gotten some good exercise for the day. Thought I could get some work done in the night, since I'd done absolutely zerowork in the day. But noooooo. No work done.

September holidays next week. Cannot wait for exams to be over maannn. Unfortch, I still have to haul myself back to school next week on Monday and Tuesday at the very least. Shit man.

I'm becoming more and more irritable these days. The slightest thing just sets me off. Then I get all annoyed with myself and... Oh-well. Sighhhh. I don't know what I'm doing these days anymore. I know, I keep saying the same thing over and over again in different ways almost every day. Which is crazy, 'cause I'm sure there's gotta be more meaning in my life than the pathetic day-to-day existence nowww.

Ohh. Math lect now. I don't know why I still gotta go for math lessons when I've already dropped it. Apparently, I've gotta wait till it's been approved. And I've got dc today. What a stupid day it's turning out to be. And it's only half over. Helppp.

2004-08-31T08:46:00.000+08:00

Finishing your homework on time does have a damn satisfying feel to it. Writing 4 geog essays complete with diagrams makes me feel veryvery...accomplished. And the diagrams looks quite nice okay.

GP lesson in the com lab now. I kinda like gp classes in com labs. We get to do mostly anything we want with maximum freedom. Haha.. Like this. And I feel muchmuch better today, after handing up all my geog essays. Omg, I felt damn terrible last night as I was trying to finish up everything. Headaches at night are a bad thing when you've got two essays to write and you're getting frantic at 11pm.

Madam's damn funny. She keeps telling Michgoh and Nafis to stop hitting penguins. 'Cause like, they're playing this game where you hit a penguin with a stick and it flies through the air, and you see just how far it flies before stopping. It's really damndamn cute. I think I'll go play it too when I have the time. And come to think about it, I DO have the time now, since my suffocating 4 geog essays have been handed up. :)

Recess in about 5minutes time. I'm getting hungry. Yesterday's recess and lunch were spent rushing around the school getting from the voiddeck to the library to the nls 'cause of all the work due today. Today's recess and lunch will be a HUUUUGE improvement, whatever happens. Duck rice with extra char siew's damn fattening. It's really good, but extremely extremely fattening.

The bell for recess has gone! Yay!

2004-08-30T18:42:00.000+08:00

One of those econs tutorials wayyy back, I remember (ms) tancc saying something about how people would try to avoid those white cabs 'cause they're older and supposedly more uncomfortable. I didn't believe her. Until today. I cabbed home with Dree and it was the most horrendous taxi ride I've ever experienced. In all my 16 years of life on this earth. It was extremely extremely bumpy and jerkyyy as hell and drove as if it was missing a tyre or something. And the roads were majorly jammed and it was utter complete chaos. To top it all off, I was worried that I wouldn't have enough to pay the cabbie. Like hello? Wouldn't $17.50 be like more than enough to send me to sentosa? Thankgoodness the fare didn't exceed. Thankgoodness I got home when I did. One more second in the stupid cab and I would have seriously thrown up. Got back home with a splitting headache and feeling dammmmnn nauseous. I feel slightly better now that I've taken a nice hot bath. Oh, and I didn't even feel like singing in the shower today. Which really says something, 'cause I sing in the bath everyday except for when I'm feeling veryvery sick or tired.

Ohhhhh. One and three-quarters left of those geog essays to finish tonight. I'm already so tired. I don't know how I'm gonna finish up by tonight man. Seriously. The only good thing that happened today was the completion of almost all my chinese homework! I've only got one more AO paper from the blue book to finish then both laoshi and I will be much happier people. :) Considering the fact that my weekend has been preeettttyy much taken over by pw, I think my managing to finish up most of my chinese work's quite an achievement. Haha. The good thing about being physically so exhausted is that you won't have the time or energy to dwell on stuff. Work's usually on the uppermost in your mind, and you find yourself just thinking about how to finish it all up. Which is good, actually. For me anyway.

2004-08-30T00:55:00.000+08:00

I've finished my pw written report draft!!!

Problem is that it's about 300 words too long. Bloody hell. And I have no idea how to do the stupid bibliography. What am I supposed to do if the author of an article on a website doesn't put his name down 'cause he's too damn humble? Sheesh. Anyways.

I hatehatehate pw. I reallyreally do. Arggghhh.

2004-08-27T19:59:00.000+08:00

Gosh. It's Friday night again. There's the prospect of not having to go to school for the next 2 days stretching out before me. Which I'm beginning to appreciate more now anyhow, now that schooldays are absolute killers. Now that I've gotten things into perspective again.

There's a ton of work to do this weekend. Such a dampener maaannn. Seriously. Sighh. But I think I'm finallyfinally getting into the momentum of things. It's a bit late by now, yes, but there's nothing I can do about all those minutes lost.

PW written report due on Monday. Geog essays due on Tuesday. E4 assignment due on Thursday. It all adds up to a damn lot of work to be done within the next week.

Stayed back today for pw for the first time ever outside of the pw slots on Mondays. Nartz called up some migration agency person for an interview and everything seemed to be going on real swell - we managed to get the person onto loudspeaker, and we even used Rachel's mp3 player to record the entire conversation. Butbut. We didn't think that the man's voice would be soooooo deep. We couldn't hear a thing of what he was saying on the recording. How verrrryy annoying.

(Ms) Leow seems to be annoyed with our class a lot recently. She got quite pissed with our class during geog tutorial today and said that our attitudes were questionable. Sighhh. She didn't know it, but I knew very well myself that MY attitude towards work the entire year through has been absolutely sucky. Made me quite ashamed to think of my couldn't-care-less mentality about schoolwork and all that.

People have said reeeeaaally nice things to me on the tag-board recently, and I'm reallyreally touched by everything. Really. Thankyou, guys. You have NO IDEA how much it all means to me actually. :) I'd reply now, but I'm really seriously falling asleep in my chair now and I think I'm beginning to become just a teensy-weensy bit incoherent. So I'll do the replies tomorrow or something. I'm off to bed! So much for enjoying Friday nights man. Haha. All I wanna do right now is crawl into bed. And SLEEP.

2004-08-25T12:07:00.000+08:00

All of a sudden, I feel damn depressed again. Don't know why, I just do.

No. Actually, I do know the exact reason for the dip in my mood. But whywhywhy? Why now?? Arghh. I hate this. Ihateyou. For making me so damn depressed without even knowing you did. For everything. Ihateyou. Ihateme.

Didn't go to school this morning. I got up at 6am this morning and spotted the unfinished gp essay lying on my table. Then thought of the pw written report that's due this-bloody-friday, the e8 essay which I've done all of one paragraph, the 2 geog essays remaining and I really almost wanted to cry. As in, I just plopped myself onto my messed-up bed and dived under the covers and hugged my pillow tight and just wanted to cry. And then the stupid thought of the promos bounced happily into my tortured mind and I remembered (mr) lynn saying something about having to take 2 S-papers if you're a 3-subber and I thought of the 2Fs I got for my terms. And I reallyreallyreally wanted to just die. For all of 15minutes this morning, I just hid under my comforter and let the stress and misery overwhelm me. Then I heard Dad yelling from downstairs to hurry-up or everyone would be late and I decided that I wouldn't go to school today. It's damn bad, I know. But the thought of having to go to school and facing everyone made me feel so sick.

So anyway. Since I was up and fairly awake at 6 in the morning, I figured I'd finish up my gp essay before crawling back into bed for a longlong sleep.

The terribly heavy rain's stopped. The only signs of it having rained earlier is the soothing dripping of raindrops hitting the shingles outside and the wetwet ground. I like. And I feel fairly better now that I'm done with my gp essay. Shall do one thing at a time, so shan't worry about the pw waiting for me.

I still feel sad, yes, but the sadness has somewhat become a part of me. Like it's always there, only sometimes I hide it so well that I don't even realise it's there, but when I do, I know it'll never go away. 'Cause it's become a part of me and I don't know how to get rid of it short of having a heavyweight boxer knock me out and regaining consciousness with a complete concussion. Sometimes, I think that forgetting would be to die for, but other times, I refuse to forget 'cause the thought of erasing it totally from my mind makes me veryvery sad. So I think I'll continue to live with it.

2004-08-24T20:40:00.000+08:00

Sometimes, things may seem all fine and dandy on the outside. Like you know, how you laugh and smile the whole day 'cause you're surrounded by greeeaaat friends who never cease to give you a moment without laughter? Like how your friends just give you the reason to smile even though late at night in your bed, you feel like you'll never ever smile genuinely again just because of that one thing? But deepdeep inside, suppressed and covered with layers and layers of other things, that one thing that bothers you still remains and won't seem to go away in spite of trying so hard to fill your day with a whirlwind of things to do in an attempt to make you not think about it. Like how you think making your body do all the thousand and one possible things in a day will eventually make you too tired out to think of that annoying thing. So all right, all that made absolutely zerosense. But I just needed to rant a bit to relieve that pent up frustration inside.

I think it's quite sad how everything seems so normal and nice, but you're the only one in the world who seems to think otherwise. That things that seem natural to others appear so contrived and forced to yourself. And I think that's sad. :(

But anyhow. Ranting aside, today was quite a good day too. Even though I've got a whole mountain of essays to finish within the next one week or so. Even though PW stress's making me incredibly short-tempered these days. Yeah. Today wasn't so bad by itself.

And. I've finally dropped math! I feel like quite a failure in a way, though. Just last year, the thought of doing so badly for my exams that the school'd force me to drop a subject as a last resort never even occured to me. The thought of me actually failing my term exams overall never even popped into my mind. But wellwell, look what we've got here. I've not only failed my exams quite spectacularly with 2-bloody-Fs, I'm also being told that I don't have the mental capability to handle 4 lousy A-Level subjects. What the hell's wrong with me? Sighhhh. I guess it's affected me even more than I thought it did. This is damn bad. I really need to snap out of it. Double-sigh. But I don't even know where to begin.

Went to BK at Heartland with Dree and Deborah after school today. I wanted to eat cheese nuggets and a sundae pie BUT. They were all out of stock. Sheesh. And I was so looking forward to eating either one all throughout the day okay. Oh-well. Oh. And geog tutorial was a total riot today. Laughed so damn hard man. And I actually felt fairly wide-awake for the entire duration of the tutorial for the first time in a long time too. Though I think that was 'cause I was laughing 90% of the time. But nevermind, staying awake IS staying awake after all.

Tag-board replies:
khin: WOMAN!!!! omg, i wish you were here too!!! you know, when i got your msg early this morning in class, this huge smile just popped up on my face and i was grinning like a complete idiot. seriously though, i was damndamn HAPPY to hear from you!! i felt damn down today. for some strange reason. and i really wish either you or tri were in ac with me now. not that i'm not having enough fun and all, but there's more to life than just all the happy moments, yes? sighh. i'd msg you at odd hours too if i could, but as it is, you don't have a phone. so this board seems like our only convenient communication link. how tragic!

jeanette: i was damn happy to see you guys too man! :) hmmm. actually, i kinda decided by mid-year that i was gonna try for ac.. but that was just me lah! what are your choices now anyways? er. i guess i should go tag your board sometime soon too 'cause you mayn't come by anytime soon eh? haha. yep, ALL THE BEST FOR YOUR PRELIMS!!!!

michwong: thanks dearie!! you feeling better yourself? get lots of rest so you'll get well soon! haha. you're so cute lah. you actually bring the whole huuuge packet of tissue to school! hahahaa..

stella: ohhhh. so 'prelims' is like a taboo word or something eh? oops! all righty then! hmmm. er. i miss the presence of the j2s in school!! feels so empty now that half the j2 cohort isn't in school every morning. sighh.

yongxi: hahahaha.... i'm going mad tooooo! gosh. today's geog tutorial was damn funny. i feel quite embarrassed for you, actually!

hiro: what happened to your blog?? anyways, go study! though you always deny the fact that you're a closet mugger, now's a good time to start mugging!

nartz: haha.... if you make more pink things when you're bored and send them to me, they'll all be up here too! :) i like pink man. goodness. i can feel myself become increasingly more stressed everyday!!

2004-08-23T22:10:00.000+08:00

I'm extremely tired. Not only physically, but mentally and emotionally too. Sighhh. I wonder when all this tiredness will stop. I need a good long break. And I'm so looking forward to it.

Today went by in quite a blur. Actually, I find my schooldays passing by me in a strange hazy manner these days. Like I'm not really there, just sort of detached and observing myself do things from outside the window. Hmm. Let's see. Chapel this morning was all right. Nothing too special. Oh, but I especially liked one of the hymns they sang. Reminded me of praise and worship sessions during MY confirmation camp 2 years ago. Gosh. It seems like such a long time ago when I put it down in words, but the memories are still as fresh as ever in my mind.

I feel old, suddenly.

PW was quite all right today. All right, as in didn't do anything so therefore was all right. I am reeeeaally so gonna die for PW I think. Don't know how the hell the project's gonna come together any time soon. It's still so fragmented. But anyways. Spent the better part of PW laughing quite deliriously over this deluded guy's own fan-site to himself. Steven what's-his-name. He was the stripper on Singapore Idol. Gosh. It was seriously damn funny. He called himself a street eyebrow plucker or something and charged $10 per pluck. AND. There was a picture of him posing nude (I think) and strategically covering up certain bits. THAT was just wrong man. I almost died laughing when I heard him sing 'She Bangs'. Which, by the way, is the mother of all butt-of-the-joke songs ever since William Hung sung it.

Oh yes. The last interesting thing that happened today. Dree, Cher and I migrated to the other end of the classroom this morning 'cause a huge army of ants had infested the floor where our tables stood. Argh. Scared the hell out of me man, seeing that many ants swarming together. Ended up grabbing our tables and chairs and marching all the way to the other end of the classroom where the ants hadn't discovered yet. Oh. And our classroom door has no more doorknob.

2004-08-21T23:15:00.000+08:00

I'm just going to start on the first of my 4 remaining essays. Bleeaahh. Don't really feel like it. And I think I'm putting on weight. Dammit. How annoying. And all right, this WILL sound damn ambitious, but I'm gonna try to start revision for promos next week. Ohyes. And also try to convince mom and dad to let me drop math.

What an uphill battle man. And what a wasted day today's been. Spent the whole day at home slacking my ass off, sleeping away my gross feeling.

2004-08-21T19:33:00.000+08:00

Nartz sent me this two nights ago and I think it's pretty. But then again, I find most pink things pretty enough. Heh. :P

Especially stars. Thanks Nartz! :)

Anyhow. Didn't go for the archeology thing AND yawp today 'cause I woke up with a terrible stomachache. Went to bed last night with a fever. When I started feeling nauseous and all throwy-up this morning, I decided that it had to be stomach flu. Felt daaaamn gross the whole morning and afternoon. Bad headache and stomachache, very dizzy. Argh. Feeling much much better now anyway.

I felt like changing my blog layout but I decided that I shouldn't waste time on doing this now. Hence the ready-made template from blogskins. Downloaded a few other templates with the intention of learning how to work with HTML after the promos. So yes. Can't wait for exams to be over, really.

Watched the table-tennis semis just now on tv. Li Jiawei lost. :( But it was quuuuiitee an interesting match. And the Korean was quite entertaining. They were both sooooooo fast. Goodness. Still, I think Asian women look more suited to playing on the tiny table-tennis table than huge Caucasian men do. When I see two men standing facing each other, bent over with the seemingly minute table between them, it just hits me how wrong it all looks. The size of everything in the game is practically Lilliputian. Scaled down. Like furniture in a doll's house. Seeing the men's doubles was even stranger. Oh-well.

Two more weeks till the September break. Then it's just 8 weeks of school standing between me and my longlong awaited December holidays. Hello to waking up at 9am earliest for almost 2 whole months! The thought almost makes me wanna weep noisily with overwhelming joy.

2004-08-21T11:19:00.000+08:00

*My Happy Ending//Avril Lavigne

So much for my happy ending
Let's talk this over
It's not like we're dead
Was it something I did?
Was it something you said?
Don't leave me hanging in a city so dead
Held up so high on such a breakable thread
You were all the things I thought I knew
And I thought we could be

You were everything, everything
That I wanted
We were meant to be, supposed to be
But we lost it
All the memories so close to me
Just fade away
All this time you were pretending
So much for my happy ending

You've got your dumb friends
I know what they say
They tell you I'm difficult
But so are they
But they don't know me
Do they even know you?
All the things you hide from me
All the shit that you do
You were all the things I thought I knew
And I thought we could be

You were everything, everything
That I wanted
We were meant to be, supposed to be
But we lost it
All the memories so close to me
Just fade away
All this time you were pretending
So much for my happy ending

It's nice to know that you were there
Thanks for acting like you cared
Making me feel like I was the only one
It's nice to know we had it all
Thanks for watching as I fall
And letting me know we were done

2004-08-20T23:40:00.000+08:00

Omg. I hate hate HATE yawp. Whatever it means anyway. Another Saturday completely wasted on stupid yawp. I just found out today that yawp tomorrow will only officially start at 7pm at The Chinese High. BUT. For reasons that I absolutely cannot comprehend, rehearsals for the retarded thing will start at 1230pm. Bloody hell. I'm damn pissed off okay. Sheeeeeeeeeeeeesssh. Do I look like I have nothing better to do with my Saturday afternoon? Because. Let me tell you. For the freaking last time. That I NEVER wanted to do this stupid thing anyway. I DON"T CARE about the points. I DIDN'T want the points either. The ONLY reason why I'm stuck in this ridiculous situation now is 'cause someone told me that this yawp rubbish is C-O-M-P-U-L-S-O-R-Y. So it's compulsory if the other half of drama was given a choice as to whether they wanted to take part or not???? Liar.

Bloody hell. Seriously. I'm damn pissed. I hate yawp. I hate being positively conned into doing something I never wanted to do in the first place anyway. I'm going to explode with annoyance and irritation.

And. I signed up for some archeology thing at St. Andrew's Cathedral tomorrow morning. Under ANY other circumstances, I'd really be looking forward to doing it. I mean, it sounds interesting, and hey, you get to dig on church ground using foot-long shovels. You don't get to do this everyday you know.

But thanks to bloody yawp, I so do not want to go anywhere tomorrow. 9am at St. Andrew's Cathedral with the prospect of staying out until 10pm for dumb yawp?? I want to SCREAM. And to put it very mildly, I'm DAMN PISSED.

2004-08-18T17:50:00.000+08:00

Wow. This is my 100th post!! Hmmm. I know. I shall blog in colour today to commemorate my century of posts!

The week so far after the last weekend has been pretty hectic. Come to think of it, it's really been quite crazy. I've been getting home at 730pm for the past 2 days and collapsing into bed by 1130pm latest whether or not I finished my work. I struggled really hard yesterday night to keep my eyes open and my brain working to finish up (ms) ngxy's e1 essay. And I still think I've written 4-sides worth of complete-absolute crap. How disappointing.

Today went by fairly quickly as far as Wednesdays go. I got a blue slip to leave at 1215pm to go back to ij to help out in the ac talk thing. You know, those talks that serve the purpose of getting more people to choose the jc, EVEN when a fair number of applicants fail to get in every year due to a severe lack of vacancies? Yeah. That's it. Anyhow. It felt so weird to be on the receiving end of questions this time round. I still remember how it was last year when I had been one of those girls in blue-and-white sitting crossed-legged on the hall floor, watching the video, enraptured by the deceptively greener pastures of jc-life outside ij. Now that perception's completely changed. Ij was so much better, and I so do not like jc.

Well. Yeah, it's been preeettty fun these days with my Pals, so it does make going to school a whole lot better. REALLY. But the insane workload's slowly killing me. Though I must say schoolwork does seem a whole load more interesting when you actually want to learn. I think I've learnt more in the last two weeks or so due to this changed mindset than I've learnt throughout the entire year.

So anyways. When I left ij this afternoon, it was only 230pm. I got down at the bus-stop outside Novena church with the intention of walking to the station, when I suddenly had this strange urge to walk into the church. So up the hill I went, and as I walked, I felt this peaceful feeling just settling over me. Like it was just me, the cloudy sky and the wind blowing on my face, and the church looming in the distance, and nothing else seemed to matter anymore. I don't know how to describe what I felt this afternoon as I sat in the quiet church, just soaking up the tranquil atmosphere, thinking and praying.

I've never once went to church because I wanted to in the past. Today was the first time I'd felt like going to church, just because. It really felt good, being in the church this afternoon. Trying to let go of all my trivial problems and fears, hopes and dreams, and especially disappointments, and just leaving it all to Him. I knew that He wouldn't need me to list out all the things that were bothering me, but I still did anyway. 'Cause I just felt like it. And when I finally stood up to start my slow walk back down, I felt different. Not severely different, just that I had this serene feeling in my heart. And even when I starting thinking about all my issues again, I didn't feel so damn miserable. I felt somewhat comforted. Arrrggh. I don't know how else to put what I want to say. This is really disjointed. So nevermind. Shan't continue trying.

So even as I sit here before my computer screen typing all this in, the whole day seems to have passed by me with me as the by-stander. There's been a fuzzy dream-like quality to the day. Like it's all so surreal, like I'm having one of those really life-like dreams where you think you're awake 'cause everything seems too real, but you know you've gotta be asleep 'cause you distinctly remember climbing into bed and flicking the light switch off.

It's been quite a good day, actually. :) The week's gone by so quickly. Just like that. Tomorrow's Thurday already!! Then it's just one more day to the weekend, and the whole cycle repeats itself again. Sheeesh. Last term seemed like it was going by in slow-motion. This term. Ha. Feels like someone's hit the fast-forward button and is holding on to the button really tight. I get up every morning and think about the whole long day stretching out before me. And before I know it, I'm back in my room, brushing my teeth and ready to jump into bed. It's insane.

Econs essay test tomorrow. (Ms) Jamie Tan's reminding me that I have to drop a subject. Dammit. Mom and dad are so not gonna be happy. I can just imagine their protopathic reactions to my announcement tonight at the dinner table. Protopathic, by the way, is a word I've picked up from e4 class recently. Anyway. As I said just 120 words ago. Econs test tomorrow. I think I'm gonna drop math after all 'cause my math really seems quite hopeless. I got back my trigo test - I got a gross 3 out of 22. Sighhhh.

Still gotta do my GP essay outlines. And omg, I can't even think about stupid pw without feeling like screaming. The written report's due, what, next Friday, and my group still has zero clue about the whole dumb project. I am SO bloody dead. Seriously. If I do pass my pw, remind me to throw a party or something. I'll be damn happy if we DON'T get the lowest possible mark.

So what would I do if I could hit the "back" button in my life and go back to re-do some stuff in my life? It's been an essay question for more than one subject just in the last fornight or so. I just wrote one for Chinese and I think I'm gonna write another one for GP. But really, if I do write one with all my personal experiences, I think I could actually publish a full 400-page novel.

2004-08-15T19:49:00.000+08:00

I was watching the Olympics gymnastics event on tv this afternoon. And it's so verrrrrryy nice. The gymnasts are really graceful and all. And powerful too. I love it when they do their flips and cartwheels. Gosh. Spent the whole afternoon watching the Olympics today. Then I tried starting on (ms) ngxy's e1 assignment. Ohhh. I don't even know how to start maaannn.

Anyhow. The weekend's almost over. Like, 10 hours or so before I have to go to school again. I'm having a serious case of Sunday Night Blues. I reallyreally cannot wait for the December holidays to come.

There's one thing I'm looking forward to doing tomorrow, though! My new shoes! Hahahaaa.. I feel so kiddish suddenly. Like how when I was in primary school, and when I'd just bought a new bag over the weekend, I'd be really excited to carry my new bag to school on the following Monday morning. I'm kinda feeling that now, only that the excitement's about 10 times more subdued. But hey, new anything is always quuuiitee exciting okay.

2004-08-14T22:49:00.000+08:00

Yesterday. I passed my PFT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Aaaahhhh!!!

And I thought I couldn't get any happier than after passing my 2.4. No more dreading PE every Thursday and Friday! No more running and running round the track like an IDIOT. YAY! :))

Went down to Queenstown with dad to buy a new pair of shoes today! They're so pretty! Pink shoes!!! I loooove pink. Had quite a lot of trouble finding the shoes in my size. I liked a lighter pink one, but it was like the last pair in size4 in 3 shops. Sheesh. Practically no-one has feet that small okay. I almost got a guy's shoe 'cause my feet are quite a weird size. But the salesman either couldn't understand English or wasn't paying attention to what I said 'cause when I told him I wanted a size6-half, like the one on display, he said okay like 6 times before coming back with a size7. In a totally different colour. Hmm.

I can't seem to blog properly today. I think I'm still kinda giddy with all my excitement. My whole body aches like hell maaann.

But anyway. I don't care. No more sucky PE until next January okay. And that's better than managing to scrape a pass for econs test.

2004-08-12T19:00:00.000+08:00

Oh. My. GOD.

I passed my 2.4 today!!!!!!!!!!!!! I'm just going to explode with happiness. It's taken me how long to even psyche myself up to finish running my 6-rounds, don't even TALK about running within 17.10mins. But. I ran my BEST time ever today - 16.38mins.

Gosh. The ecstasy's still working its magic. I'm still damn happy, and it's been the looonngest time since I've come as close to feeling as happy as I was in the first 3 months. Sighh.

NOTHING can spoil my mood tonight. Not even the econs essay that's waiting.

I passed my 2.4, I passed my 2.4!!! It's taken me something like the whole of last term and this term - which makes 15 weeks so far - but I've done it!!! Wheeeee!

2004-08-11T16:58:00.000+08:00

There's Singapore Idol tonight!!!

Omg, the first episode was really quite retarded. Tri and I were talking about it the other day, whether or not it exceeded or was below our expectations. While Tri kept saying that she was disappointed, I actually thought it was pretty good. Considering the fact that there's been quite a lot of talk about how Singaporeans are afraid to lose face and all. Those that appeared on tv actually did manage to lose some face. Not like they had much of a choice, really. The guy who was singing this song reeeeeaaally really softly - and this line "Please do not adjust the volume of your tv sets. This is the actual volume." just rolled right across the screen. Well. I thought he was singing nonsense 'cause like I couldn't make out ANY tune at all when he was singing. Yes. Apparently. The song he was singing was "Careless Whisper".

I asked Koko Maggie if she could get me tickets to watch Idol at MediaCorp. And she actually told me on Monday that she DID ask her friend and we're probably getting 10 tickets. Whee! Last time I watched something being taped live in the studio was Millionaire in Sec3. The day after that episode was screened, my teachers told me that they saw me with my friends on tv. It was damn funny, 'cause I didn't even realise that it was THAT episode which I'd watched. Anyhow. I hope the tickets I get for Idol won't be for a date too near the exams. Or I won't reallyreally enjoy it as much as I could.

There's Singapore Idol tonight!!!

2004-08-11T16:20:00.000+08:00

My goodness. I think I'm really getting addicted to Sakae's soft shell crab handrolls. Met Dree yesterday at Heartland to study and had this rather shaky resolution to limit my spending to 5 bucks and below. Well. Spent about $4-plus on pens at Popular and I was thinking like, hey! Looks like I'll stick to my budget after all! 'Cause like, I'd kinda eaten lunch before I left the house, so yeahhh.. Didn't really have to spend on lunch, see.

ANYWAY. After settling down at BK with a ginormous iced tea and a little tray of cheese nuggets, I started writing my geog essay. That cost about 3 bucks or so, meaning I'd overshot by about 2 dollars. Which really ain't that bad. Speaking of BK's cheese nuggets. They're really quuuuiiitee delicious and all. But. They're a total-complete-absolute ripoff. Really! $2.40 for a little tray of 8 nuggets isn't exactly worth it, yes? Sighhh. But anyway. Dree and I felt like munching on something else as the afternoon went on, so we took off to get some sushi. Intended to get those little crabrolls from Edo that cost 60cents for two. But when we got there, I saw the huge green Sakae sign just 2 shops down. And I thought about soft shell crab handrolls. And that was it. My resolve to limit my spending to only neccessities just flew out of my head. Like that. I really like jap food. I wonder if it's addictive, though? Been having this gnawing craving to eat sushi again suddenly ever since last Friday.

There's an annoying trigo test tomorrow. I have a terribleterrible feeling that I'm going to fail. Again. I tried making sense out of the tutorials I copied off the board, but everything looked like complete nonsense to me. The numbers made zerosense. I am sooooooooo dead. On the other hand, I managed to finish two geog essays during the extended weekend. Wow-whee! I really feel damn accomplished maaannn. It's like I've suddenly realised that I CAN actually do my work if I want to - and it's not that I'm stupid or something.

Oh yes. We gave Cher her belated present today! She was just so cute when she saw it. Hahahaaaa... With eyes wide-open and shrieks and all. We love you Cher dear! :) Speaking of shrieks. There was this girl who let out an exceptionally high-pitched shriek during e4 today. Omg. It was really damn shrill. One more case to prove my point that the school should do something about the lousy walls. I'm hungry again. Sheesh. Food-cravings are so not good. I land up eating alot more than I usually would and find myself substantially rounder around the middle after I'm done. Bleeeaahh. No. I will not eat until dinner time.

tag-board replies:
amy: hieee dear! how's everything in hk? i suppose i should go tag your board again instead of saying all this to you here right? hahaahaaa.. all righty then!

chingjoo: heellloo! how's life as a councillor anyway? proud of you!

khin: yeahh. golden girl of the moment, that's my khin! haha... so did you try my suggestion? :D well. take care of yourself k? carry an umbrella and hairspray when you go out so you can smack him (it's a him right??) and blind him if he tries to be funny. or. you could just kick him... where it hurts! ha. when's school starting for you anyway? remember what you're supposed to do for me? *nudge

2004-08-09T14:22:00.000+08:00

It's National Day today! Whee. Singapore's turning, what, 39 today? Yeahh. That's pretty young for a country, considering the fact that America's probably 200+ years old or something. Still no flag this year, though. Mom and dad never believed in hanging a flag outside for National Day only to have to take it down to wash before the government fines us for displaying the flag after the legal display date.

Stayed up until 1 plus last night to finish up one geog essay. You know, it seems so pathetic here - one essay - but I felt so proud of myself as I wrote in "in conclusion" and blaaahh. Four (all right, maybe three-and-three-quarts) sides worth of words does seem like quite an accomplishment for one night's worth of work, yes?

Chinese tuition just now was... Not very enlightening. Sighhh. Can't wait to drop the GROSS subject. You know, there was this article the other day in the papers where SM Lee said something about the average person not being able to be completely 100% bilingual - in effect, I think he means that only linguistic geniuses can be just as proficient in English as well as in Chinese. Since I am so not a genius of any sort, that excludes me. Meaning. My disgusting Chinese is somewhat normal. I owe laoshi a whole ton of work. Seriously. I wonder how I'll finish it all by year-end. Ohhh. Speaking of Chinese. Apparently, there's gonna be a Chinese exam this Saturday. Like HUH????? Since when?? No one said anything about any Chinese exam happening anytime within the next month or so. Sheesh. You'd think they'd at least bother to tell us - even though they probably think I'm gonna fail beautifully. But STILL!

I'm waiting for mom and dad to come back from grocery shopping. They're supposed to pick up lunch for Carol and I, and it's what, 230pm already. I'm starving.

And I think the Wheelock management should think about investing in more dustbins. I went there on Saturday and spent 15-bloody-minutes walking up and down the floor just looking for a damn dustbin. Guess what?? - there wasn't a single dustbin on the whole of the second floor. Hello??? Isn't there some Clean-and-Green campaign running now or something? If I'm encouraged not to throw my rubbish on the floor, and there are NO dustbins anywhere. Then. What the heck am I supposed to do with my trash? Eat it?? Sometimes. I swear. People don't think.

Just spend a few hundred bucks furnishing the corridor with dustbins, and maybe there'll be less need to hire that many cleaners. Well. Unless they're trying to maximise employment by increasing the cleaner-workforce. Okay, so this is getting quuuiiitee out-of-point. I want to eat.

2004-08-07T23:50:00.000+08:00

Met up with Dree and Chels for dinner at Wheelock Place. It was preeeettty fun. And this is completely random, but I'm tired now.

NYDC's cheesecake is simply heavenly maaann. Seriously. It came with this scoop of chocolate chip ice-cream and a small jug of chocolate sauce. Mmmmm. It was REALLY good. And so so sinful too. Imagine the amount of sugar going into my body. Oh-well.

Got Cheryl's present from Borders. Oh my goodness, I LOVE the stuff at Borders. I love Borders. They had all these really pretty colourful stationery. It was seriously veerrrry girly. Stripes and dots and flowers and dragonflies and cute little animals. Sheeeesh. I could like blow my entire allowance in a single visit to Borders just buying a million and one pretty little things that I probably wouldn't find much use for anyway. Wow-whee. I like the stuff we bought for Cheryl! It's all just so... pretty. For lack of a better adjective.

Laoshi just messaged to ask if we could reschedule tomorrow's tuition to Monday afternoon instead 'cause she's sick. Poor laoshi. :( I hope she's feeling better. Feeling unwell really seriously sucks.

Ohhh. That means I'll have the entire day tomorrow to myself. Sighhh. Looking forward to a day spent in the company of my reams and reams of schoolwork! Psyching myself up so I can do my work tomorrow in a happier mood. Being happy releases endorphines, which improve a person's performance and thinking capacity. So yes. Come on endorphines. Do your job!

2004-08-07T14:20:00.000+08:00

*Single//Natasha Bedingfield

My homework situation's starting to become dire. I went to bed last night thinking about how just how I was ever gonna come up with 8 essays - that's about 40 sides of paper - worth of words that actually make some sense. Aaahhh. I'm really so so SO dead.

Got out of bed feeling completely PMS-ed this morning. Never a good start to any day, least of all a Saturday when you're supposed to be able to sleep in late. I think PE does funny things to your body. My cycle's like all messed up and wonky.

Anyhow. Didn't want to skip geog lect for drama today and I told Sherman so. BUT. There was some sort of communication breakdown which culmulated in me stomping around school with a black black face and furious tears threatening to spill out of my eyes - which did happen in the end, but that's completely beside the point. Point is, I was damn annoyed at the whole disorganised mess drama is from my point of view. And especially since this happened on Day 1 when my hormones are wrecking havoc to my emotions and body, and you can just imagine the foul foul mood I was in.

I realise that I'm the sort of person who needs order and organisation just to function well, much less thrive. Without any form of planning or when I'm thrown something to do at the very freaking last minute, my fuse just blows. It's bad, I know. I get so damn pissed, and the worst thing is that I don't even bother to hide my severe displeasure when I'm in that weird state of mind. Felt so bad about snapping at every single breathing person today. I did apologise, yes, but... Sighhh. Nevermind. Some things can't be taken back with a mere sorry.

Thankyou Chels, for making me feel better today. Seriously, when I met her at Hwa Chong, my glum mood just slowly evaporated away and everything didn't seem half as bad anymore. :) What would I do without my girlfriends maannn. Really. My girlfriends make life so much easier to muddle through that I think I'd just diiieeee without them.

Gonna meet Dree and Chels later at Orchard to get Cheryl's present. And. I have a strong urge to drop by Bits and Pieces again to buy another pair of earrings. No no. Cannot. Must control myself.

I feel myself cramping up. Dammit. I'm gonna go sleep my cramps and crazy hormonal imbalance away. Or I may just land up doing something I'll seriously regret later on, and BOY have I done enough things that've made me wanna kick myself in exasperation for my sheer stupidity. I've done enough brainless things this year alone to last me for the rest of my life, thank you very much. So yes. Shall sleep.

tag-board replies
tri: yeahh... we're such suckers for fairy-tales eh? and YES, whoever said ella enchanted's not a good show ought to have a complete head examination. i'm gonna tape down the HC school song next time you sing it. it was dammmnn hilarious maann!! only thing missing: long live chairman mao!! haha... sheeeessh. seriously. it sounds vaguely like a dumex 3+ ad. :D

khin: why's it boring? remember you're supposed to take pictures of all those cute guys in various strange poses and send it back to meee! hahaaa.... yep, i did the control-c thing the second time i posted - THANK GOODNESS 'cause the same thing happened again. if blogger had wiped out my second post... i tell you... i would have SHRIEKED.

2004-08-06T22:09:00.000+08:00

8 essays due by the 31st of August:
42 phy geog
~~e1 assignment #2~~
e4 assignment #2
e8 assignment #2
~~econs tutorial 4 Q2b~~

Plus all the overdue Chinese homework I owe laoshi.

I am SO dead.

2004-08-06T18:22:00.000+08:00

Dammit. There's something seriously screwed with blogspot. Or maybe it's just my blog. I don't know. Anyhow. I'm damn damn annoyed. I typed in this really nice cheerful post about my day today just now and I clicked on 'publish post'. And what happens? I'm told that the URL doesn't exist and when I clicked on the back button, I find that my post's been completely eradicated. Poooofffle.

So yes. Shall just re-type whatever I can remember in this post. Still verrry irritated.

Today was National Day celebrations. Felt really primary school, singing all those National Day songs with fundamental messages like "I love Singapore!". There was a band on stage accompanying the teachers singing, which I thought was preeeetttty cool. Then there were the dancers. It was quuuiitee strange, but oh-well. I guess it was supposed to make the whole thing more interesting. Besides feeling extremely primary school like, especially when we stood on the chairs, I had a sudden desire to wave a tiny Singapore flag as I sang. Images of communists back in the 1960s popped into my mind, them with their red-and-yellow flags and patriotic, propoganda-ish songs.

School was out by 10am (a fact which I thought was the major highlight of the whole thing). Met Trina at about 11am and lunched at the Heeren Sakae. I love soft-shell crab handroll. It's yummy!! :) And the fact that it's not exorbitantly priced makes it even better - it just takes two rounds of $1.90 to make me a happy girl for the moment.

We wanted to watch Ella Enchanted but it wasn't showing anywhere in the whole of Orchard. Had to go down to Junction8 to catch our show - and spent $7.50 on a lousy front-row seat that distorts everything and everyone on screen. Even Nicole Kidman looked strange, and that's saying something.

Ella Enchanted was damn damn nice! And I think Anne Hathaway's gorgeous. I love her eyes. I think I liked the show so much 'cause I'm a HUGE sucker for fluffed-up fairy-tale endings with the girl landing up Living Happily Ever After with her wonderful Prince Charming. Long live innovation and thick-skinness among IJ girls. Tri and I decided to seat on the floor at the back of the cinema 'cause our seats were horrible. Went right to the back and found a couple of empty seats in the back row and just sat in them. That probably prevented me from blowing $7.50 watching distorted people on-screen while I develop a humongous neck-ache. Golden Village should really consider charging lower rates for front-row seats in the tinier cinemas. This is a case whereby Price Discrimination would be BENEFICIAL.

I've been struck with an earring obsession. Shopped for some more earrings today and I suddenly felt guilty 'cause I realised that I've been buying at least a new pair almost everytime I go out with anyone. Bad bad bad. Bought 4 pairs of earrings today. Oh dear. Tri's been bitten by a flower-earring bug so we were shopping around for nice flower earrings. Didn't manage to find anything particularly nice (except for this pair of prettypretty pink flower earrings at Heeren which cost 14 bucks). Argh. Stop buying earrings!!

I decided that I really do NOT like the red-and-white combination. I saw something like a million people in their red-and-whites today, 9 out of 10 of them were schoolkids. Seriously. The person who came up with the oh-so-brilliant idea of getting schools to allow students to wear their red-and-whites on celebration day didn't consider many other Terrible Things that could happen as a result of that. Celebration days are usually half-days in every school, meaning that almost the entire school-children population in Singapore will be out somewhere at any given time. If every school encourages their students to turn up in red-and whites, imagine the immense, nauseating HEADACHE someone not in red or white - like me - would experience upon having to tolerate walking among such glaring colours on almost everyone in the crowd. Grossness.

Still pissed at blogspot. Half-an-hour's worth of typing. Just gone. Like that. Argh.

Geog lect tomorrow morning. It should be made illegal for schools to have any lessons during long weekends. Seriously.
Bleeeeaaahh.

2004-08-05T21:42:00.000+08:00

Long weekend's just around the corner. So CANNOT WAIT. School these past few days have been pretty much fun fun fun. Thanks to the Pals! Haha... Seriously. Without them, school life would be that much more boring.

So many things have happened in the last 3 days or so but I don't seem to have the time to talk about any of that now. Life's been just whizzing by me like nobody's business. And one thing just happens after the other. Maybe the stress's finally getting to everyone else too? I was walking back to class today during lunch when a bottle sailed through the air and landed at my feet. It was Ian and Zach. They were throwing this bottle up and down through the window and laughing non-stop while at it. So maybe the stress's getting to them too. Heh.

Ooh. So many things happened but I can't seem to blog properly tonight! Argh. So annoying. It's like all disjointed.

No point in trying to blog anything that makes sense tonight I suppose. Oh yes. But I have to say that I ALMOST passed my 2.4 today! Wonderful feeling. Failed by a mere 5seconds instead of the usual 30seconds today. I'm finally Improving. It's about time, really.

2004-08-02T10:18:00.000+08:00

The rain's stopped.
I'm bored.
I'm hungry.
What should I do?
Hmmmm...

I'm going to buy lunch.
This is a preeetty out-of-point post.
Oh-well.

2004-08-02T08:25:00.000+08:00

Woke up this morning with completely no voice, a horrendous splitting headache and a slight fever. On one hand, I wanted to go to school 'cause I had stayed up til 2 last night to finish up my human geog essay. But I decided that there wouldn't be much point in going if I couldn't talk without sounding vaguely like a frog. So yes. At home now while the rain falls.

The rain always puts me in a melancholic, sad, depressed mood. It always makes me think and I've realised that thinking too much is terrrribble for me. Sigh. Does funny things to my mind and makes me damn pissed at everything and anything in the world. I keep thinking about how everyone seems to have moved on while I'm still stuck where I am. I wonder if I'm the problem. I start entertaining thoughts of quitting school to set up a carrot farm or a fish shop somewhere. Nope. NOT good.

Sometimes, nice memories of the past give me a warm fuzzy feeling whenever I think about them. But then. It hits me that it all happened IN THE PAST, and it's not gonna happen again. And I feel lost. The nice feeling inside just evaporates and I'm left with this miserable feeling of drained hope and other crappy feelings like that. I wish I could re-do some things that I did. I really do. Like Hermione in Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Askaban. She had this cool time-turner thing that rewound time and let her go back into the past. I wish I had one of those so I could go back through time to set some things right again. Seriously. I'd pay good money to do just that.

Dammit. I hate getting trapped in my own head and rambling about how I think my life's messed up and all. So yes. I'll stop just HERE. :)

Econs test tomorrow. Tried reading the bit about perfect competition in Sloman's red book and it actually made a bit of sense. Gives me the idea of reading some more later. Think I'm going to freaking-fail this stupid test again (hey! alliteration maannn..), but no harm giving it a shot eh? Yes-yes. Musn't be so negative all the time. I actually did my chinese 5-year-series yesterday to hand it up to laoshi today. Decided that I should Turn Over A New Leaf and Do My Homework More Often. So proud of myself. Wow-whee.

Think I'm gonna get Chinese take-away from the shop outside. I like the feeling of eating out of a box. I don't know why, I just find it suuuuucch a novelty. Like the food seems more scrumptious and all. Hmmmm... It's probably all in the mind. Oh-well. Eating out of a cardboard box is STILL fun fun fun. Plus. I don't have to wash up any plates after I eat. See? It's a double bonus.

2004-08-01T14:54:00.000+08:00

The weekend's almost over. I felt as if I haven't actually rested the whole of this week. Friday and Saturday were taken up by the Night of Laughter. It was damn damn awesome, really. Laughed soooo hard, especially at Tim's "tell me more, tell me mooooorre!" All the geog students were laughing so hard that the rest of the audience probably thought we'd gone dotty. I laughed so hard that my sides ached so badly after that. Goodness.

Chels and I had some duct-tape-tearing competition yesterday. Actually, tearing duct-tape's really quite therapeutic, don't you think? You just rip at the black strip and it comes out with a satsfiying sound. Anyway. Went out for supper with Dree, Tiff, Jon and Chels yesterday night after the whole thing. Dree and I couldn't agree on whether BK closed at 11 (what she thought) or 12 (what I thought). So we bet one french fry on the closing time. I can't remember who now, but either Dree or Chels asked the girl behind the counter what time they closed. She shot us a straaange look and said that they'd be closing at 12. Ha. So I won one french fry. We were laughing like we had all gone mad or something. I have no idea why we were so tickled at the most trivial things. Must have been 'cause it was pretty late by then and we were all quite tired.

And I was telling Chels about something that had happened earlier on, and I ended by saying "So now, I think HE thinks that I'm a psycho." Chels burst out laughing like there was no tomorrow and I started laughing too, for some bizarre reason, and Dree, Jon and Tiff just stopped right in their tracks and turned round to eyeball us suspiciously. It was damn hilarious. Pals, last night was great. Heh. We really should have supper out together more often (though not in my ugly drama blacks please).

Cabbed back from Holland V with Dree and Chels and got back home at about 1130. I got to my door and used my key to let myself in. And what do I hear? I hear Carol and Koko Maggie running down the stairs two at a time and I hear Carol say something like "Who's that? *gasp!* I think it's a thief!!", with the "I think it's a thief" being said as if enlightenment was suddenly bestowed on Carol. I was like, HELLO??? You mean they didn't know that I wasn't home yet? Then I remembered that I was supposed to call home to get Koko Maggie to pick me up from YCK station. Oh. Oops. So now, I kinda like owe everyone a whole lot of money. This sucks. I hate owing people money.

Was supposed to get up at 6-ish to follow Koko Maggie down to St Anne's church to help out with the family stall at the fun fair today, but I was toooooo too exhausted to even open my eyes before 8. By the time I had enough energy to open one eye at about 830, Carol was already on her way out of the house (I heard the door slamming shut) and I realised that I had to attend mass by myself. :( Set my alarm for 945 and went back to sleep. Figured I'd decide on what to do when I got up later. The stupid alarm woke me up, and I decided to try to make it for the 11am mass at SVDP. Trudged out of the house groggily at 1020, walked along the pavement half-asleep until I walked past a rubbish truck and the smell hit me. THEN. I woke up for real. Caught 70 at the bus-stop across the road, and started to panic 'cause I realised I had no idea where to stop. True enough, I got off the at the wrong stop - 2 stops too soon - and walked for 15 minutes in exasperation to church.

Cabbed to St Anne's after that and queued up for 45 freaking minutes for a packet of fried kway teow with Christian. As we were eating, I was trying to convince him to come to AC next year. Said we could go home together after school and his dad could pick him up after dinner. It made sense, actually, though it looks like I was spouting rubbish here. It started pouring just as we were clearing up. I hate walking around in jeans when it rains. The bottom gets so wet and icky and it's just daaaammmn GROSS. *shudders* Ugh.

Oh, OH... Stop thief, stop thief, stop thief!!! Hahaha... Jon's lines made me laugh too.

2004-07-31T00:13:00.000+08:00

What do you do when one of your closest friends in the whole world is gonna leave you after all the years of standing by your side?

What do you do when you try to feel glad - and you truly are, deep down inside - but sometimes the fact that she's going makes you so overwhelmingly sad?

What do you do when a friend who's always been there for you - in the form of messages, house-visits or outings is going to leave and may never return?

What do you do when you feel that you still have a lot to say to your friend, but she's already leaving and you have a sad sad feeling that you'll never see her for a long time?

What do you do when your friend who's always given you good advice about anything under the sun isn't around to do just that anymore?

What do you do when a person you have a lot of fun with laughing about the silliest things isn't around to do that with you anymore?

What do you do when you feel like you're getting left behind?

What on earth do you do when you feel like crying for more than one thing - but the one thing that weighs most heavily on your mind is the fact that one damn good friend isn't gonna be around anymore?

Don't go, Khin. :( I know you have to go, so yeahhh, what I just said 40 characters ago isn't gonna happen anytime soon. Sighs. But letting go is just so hard, and don't laugh, but my eyes are actually starting to fill with tears as I type all this in. Life's gonna be so different without you around. Different in a bad way, though I often tell you otherwise. Heh. There still seems so much left unsaid between the two of us, but I want you to know that you've been such a great GREAT friend, and thankyou for every single thing - yeah, even your bullying.

Though you keep telling me that you wanna see me in the US next year too - and believe me, I DO wanna be seeing you there then - chances are high that I'll be stuck where I am for another one year or so. Still. Wait for me, yeah? I'm trying so hard to keep up with you and everyone else, but it seems like everyone around me has moved on and I'm still stuck in the past - in reverse mode, in fact. I just wanna tell them to wait for me, that I'll catch up if only they'd wait, but often enough, I find myself coughing in everyone's dust as they propel on ahead. Oh-well. Actually, what's the point of blogging about all this? Seriously. Sigh. I don't know what I'm doing anymore. I don't know what each day has in store for me - what nasty shocks, bitter disappointments or pleasant surprises (though it's more often the former two) lie in wait for me.

So. Khin dear. This blog entry's dedicated completely to you. You're leaving tomorrow... And I can't see you off. Sucks big time, eh? Oh-well. You take the best care of yourself, all right? I know you'll be fine - after all, going to the US has been your dream for the longest time ever - but still, take care. *hugs-

All righty then. Excuse me while I go do something that I haven't actually indulged in in the longest time ever.

A good long cry. Good-bye, Khin. Smile. :)